Monday, August 21, 2017

There's a 'lie' in believe
'Good' in goodbye
'Over' in lover,
'End' in friend, 
'Us' in trust, 
'If' in life
'Ok' in Lokman
'Hell' in hello
'Shit' in shittake
'Room' in mushroom
'Ass' in Glass
'Ape' in vape
'Air' in hair

idk where this is heading or what its trying prove here yapyapyap what the fuqqq i miss my long hair already

Monday, August 14, 2017


Recently I lost a friend.
We don't even know each other for that long, but in that shared moment I got enough ideas & the impressions of how as a person he was. We have many mutual friends too that sometimes told stories about him so I kinda build a profile about him long before we actually met. The fact that we share similar passion for the outdoors & solo backpacking made us can relate to each other naturally.

It's difficult to describe this, but I feel the loss like an old friend. Usually I don't become this sensitive, in fact I believe the only sensitive part of me is my wisdom tooth. But his demise hits something home in a way that I was not prepared for at that time.

Knowing him personally & learning about him from friends' stories, I can say that he's a good son, a brilliant student, a selfless companion, a kind soul. A great man all round. I root for him to succeed in life, personally & professionally. I really do. Now that he's gone, I can't help to feel bit sentimental about all the stuffs life had in store for him..wonderful things that he might achieve. Because he deserve all the happiness in this world.

Gone too soon if you ask me, but that's how life works. Alfatihah Mirul Dewa. Rest in peace see you later bro.

badaboom badabeam

Feels like there's a party in my head these time around. Books I currently read, work challenges I'm undertaking, pondering existential stuffs- are among the reasons. But a large stimulus of this is the people I meet nowadays. You see, there's an influx of new recruits into my workplace in the past months & all are fresh grads, in their early 20s, youthful souls transitioning from class into workforce. Competencies aside because youngsters need chances to groom & hone their skills to be the best they can be. been there so yeah. What fascinates me is the new opportunity at hand for me to learn about them as humans- How do they perceive life? What are the things that matters to them? Where do they take inspiration from? Who do they look up to? How do they want to be treated? What's their take on popular issues like feminism & gender fluidity? My questions can never end. I want to pick their brain (not in Hannibal kind of way).

To me age never really matters but I acknowledge that systematic difference in our timeline can explain why we are all so diverse. Between us there's enough age gap to make a generational fault, and already being the old soul among my peers doesn't help to make me feel sometimes ancient. Mingling with them youngsters make me feel happy but nostalgic, reminding me of my former selves. Discovered a lot about young people nowadays, rediscover myself in the process. I realize there's an invisible attraction for me to dial back down to that place, to act like I'm early 20s again. So here is the beautiful duality in the situation- I must allow their youthfulness to rub off on me & loosen the rigidity that adulthood might have force into me but as someone who knows better, I must also share/teach them (by example) a bit about maturity, professionalism, and responsibilities, and some strategic seriousness required as indie adult.
Afterall I've always made a strong case about maintaining solid original identity.

And of course like any good party, things can get eventful to a point of being confusing at times. When they came I get to flex my emotion muscles even in ways that I don't really thought possible. I recall experiencing a wide spectrum of emotions , some are alright some not so much. And a ridiculous lot of contemplation in between. But I guess thats just how it works, people who can make you feel good can make you feel shitty and what not too. After all dust has settled, smoke and mirrors taken away, I appreciate all their contributions to my life reel. I hope to reciprocate on that.
My penchant for understanding people is not just a hobby. It's my path to restoration & catharsis.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Ramadan thoughts

Ramadan baru ni terasa tawar. Setiap hari macam repeat cycle. Bangkit sahur cukup syarat, skip2 mealtime siang, bila azan maghrib makan balik apa ade, kadang2 terawih. Sebab takde feel jugak tak jejak langsung bazar ramadan cari makan special ke apa, tak semangat terawih, tak semangat nak pulun ibadat. Awalnya aku suspek rasa monotonous ni sebab buat semuanya sorang. Sebab experience berpuasa dah masuk banyak tahun sama (bujang, diperantauan, sibuk etc). 

Sehinggalah 15 ramadan, aku naik broga moreh dengan kawan-kawan. aku bersidai atas puncak batu dalam hening kelam dingin, merenung langit cerah bulan mengambang sambil cuba rungkai fenomena ramadan aku tak best ni. Then the thought struck me macam gedebush percikan air terjun bila terjuk tiruk (not my best analogy).

Aku patutnya takleh tunggu ada feel baru nak buat aktiviti2 ramadan. Tapi aku kena redah je buat dulu semua benda2, feeling tu akan hadir kemudian. Pegi je iftor masjid, paksa je diri terawih jemaah, terjun je join tadarus, seret je diri pegi makan berjenis sikit dengan kawan2. Sedekah hit & run style jangan pikir lama sangat. Lalu bila dibuat, ramadan aku terasa meriah..magic sekali. 2nd half yang lebih berkualiti.

So..adakah semua benda pun patut kita commit je diri dulu baru perasaan akan fill in menyusul masuk kemudian?

Thursday, July 13, 2017

In hibition

This is a story about inhibitions or to be more precise, in the psyche sense. Some people refer to it as mental block/barrier etc, but i like the word inhibition more. There's an organic feel to it (like inhibitor enzymes) which the word block/barrier has not.

I'm always interested to learn about humans i met (learn more about myself in the process), and it's amazing how their inhibitions can be lifted by many factors which then reveal their true colors.

recently i get to know some people whom i reckon is so easy going, open to new experiences, and really hard to take offense. Those personal habits that most people will likely try to be discreet about, uh uh no fucks given here as Nike famously put it- Just Friggin Do It! 
While I wonder how can/what makes such uninhibited soul exist, before i realizes the liveliness rubs off to me- And lifted my inhibitions too! Some i didnt even acknowledge existed! I also met people whom i think need more inhibitions to suppress some urges/behaviors that's not very suitable to let loose and roam freely into other people's personal space. Well, that's all about that part.

Another case. One time i met a girl at the minibar during a gig. On the surface she appeared sweet, or some say tad too sweet in relative to the crowd. Dressed very neatly & tidy, softspoken, seems kinda reserved at first. But after a glass of drink (or two) she transformed into another self, fun and kills it on the dancefloor. She's not senselessly wasted it's like the alcohol lifted some of her inhibitions. Like how the curtains are lifted then the real deal came out. I dont drink or addicted to substances, but i fully aware of how these elements can shift chemical balance in the brain altering mood, human behavior, and outlook- not necessarily in a bad way as one might misunderstood or being stigmatized. For me this is interesting, and worthy to be discussed intellectually. 

Ah inhibitions. To be or not to be inhibited is the real question.

Friday, June 30, 2017


hello people!
*imaginary crowd cheers

Blogging was put on a hold for these several months bukan sebab blog ni dah phased out, this space is still dear to me & I intend to keep it (active) for a long time still. The thing is I was occupied by some personal projects, about the subjects that I'm always penchant for. A lot of interesting things occured along the way, and usually when this happen I'll direct the storytelling here but this time I get to channel them elsewhere. It's refreshing to have other outlets, alternative avenues to express, bounce around thoughts & I like it very much. I'm gonna enjoy this new emotional refuge and maybe one day I'll spill some of the fun here as well. As soon as next time perhaps

Sunday, May 14, 2017

arkitek sosial

Masa kecik aku pernah ada cita-cita nak jadi arkitek. Mungkin sebab time tu minat melukis dan somehow ada impression yang kerja arkitek cool, dari idea dalam kepala translate jadi drawing atas plan, lepastu materialize jadi struktur binaan real punya. Imagination is the limit walaowei. Tapi biasalah cita-cita berubah walaupun aku tak pursue jalan tu sekarang aku masih ada fondness & appreciation kat profesion arkitek. Bahan bacaan masa lapang pon cover subjek berkaitan arkitek selain segala maknenek lagi yang aku deem 'general knowledge'. Antara figure yang aku follow, arkitek Denmark Bjarke Ingels

Bjarke Ingels kata bila design sesuatu ruang enterior & interior (english=space), benda yang kena sentiasa ingat (selain hukum fizik of course) ialah macam mana kita nak manusia-manusia yang occupy space tu function di dalam area tu, then design accordingly. Bukan fikir design nak bombastik futuristik aestetik je lepas settle tu expect manusia terima operate, compensate & tolerate said space. Sebab menurut Bjarke, physical space ni mempengaruhi cara kita function sebagai individu & sesama sendiri. Ye lah, it's a no brainer yang persekitaran main peranan besar untuk kesesuaian sesuatu aktiviti. Contoh umum, macam ruang yang luas antara siling dengan lantai, natural lighting dan tingkap besar lebih menggalakkan interaksi dua hala sebab mewujudkan rasa selesa. Tapi contratry untuk aktiviti intimate, tingkap besar & lighting banyak jadi inhibitor pulak. Depends case-base. Untuk interaksi sosial ke untuk kerja ke, untuk perbincangan ke etc.

Memang physical space ada bahagian dia dalam pola perkembangan manusia  lebih-lebih lagi bila semuanya unsuspecting & open minded, tapi still ianya (physical space) interplay dengan satu faktor lagi iaitu social space/personal boundaries yang setiap individu setup. Even kalau suasana sekeliling dah paling kondusif untuk social interaction pun, kalau individu tu dah draw social space dia (pakai earphone or mask penutup mulut) dia akan jadi statement “I'm not interested in conversation right now”.

Tapi secara generik, physical space menyediakan acuan untuk perkembangan social space, more or less. Up to a certain extent, kita ada power untuk influence/trigger manusia-manusia punya kelakuan & perkembangan dalam sesuatu ruang, dengan mewujudkan elemen tertentu dalam ruang tu. Contoh macam dalam wilderness, bila ada satu je watering hole semua penghuni rimba akan turun situ minum & open up possibilities untuk macam-macam interaksi. Kalau ada banyak sumber air bersepah, semua haiwan takkan terserempak each other as much. Knowing this, aku occasionally bereksperimen dengan manusia-manusia yang ada disekeliling la.. Tinker around dengan susunan interior, setup pantry, trigger particular event etc..walaupun tak jadi arkitek bangunan, tapi boleh je jadi arkitek sosial. Harmlessly & non invasive of course.
Aku cuma seronok nak perhati respon & sebarang interaksi yang tercetus. Kadang-kadang kalau untung, dapat la experience sesuatu yang special lain dari biasa.

Sebab sebenarnya semua ada peranan jadi arkitek sosial so kena berilmu takleh ikut naluri sentiasa. Macam bila main peranan pemerintah, ketua, dan parents.

Monday, April 24, 2017


Baru ni kecoh kes sorang penumpang United Airlines literally kena seret keluar dari cabin. Kisahnya- walaupun tiket dia tu legit, flight dah overbooked (tiket jual > jumlah seat), airlines offered compensation supaya seat dia dibagi kat passenger lain, dia refuse, lalu polis airport datang kutip, jadilah drama sebabak. Sadis sungguh nengok videonya tu. Viral satu dunia & banyak la ulasan netizen.

Dari kes ni aku dapat tau airlines ada sistem 'calculated misery' & sebenarnya semua airlines pun overbook flight diorang all the time. 'Calculated misery' ni salah satunya algorithm untuk forecast chances penumpang no-show, supaya tau nak allow overbooking banyak mana. Calculation ni ambik kira events setempat & cuaca kat departing airport , history of no-show cases & model human behavior. Airlines buat overbooking sebab expect akan ada penumpang no-show & diorang nak semua seat berisi baru fly tak rugi. Actually nak max kan profit, sebab penumpang no-show pun bukan bagi refund pon...capitalist. Selalunya okay, sampai la tetibe takde passanger yang no-show & semua pun taknak forfeit seat legit mereka..jadilah drama United Airlines.

Actually aku rasa benda ni bijak (at least dari bussiness pov). Dan very likely something macam 'calculated misery' ni kita dh buat & kena all the time pon. Generally 'calculated misery' ni strategi melayan orang/sesuatu..sejenis pendekatan untuk membokehkan kita screw around dengan sesuatu pihak supaya kita untung, tapi doing it just enough jangan sampai buat dia lari. Check and balance. Boleh nampak benda ni berlaku dalam relationship, dalam dinamika majikan-pekerja, supervisor-student, macam-macam lagi lah.

On one level, sama macam cara kita jaga badan ni jugak la. Tubuh manusia ni vessel yang maha majestic & bijak gila sebab macam adaptability dia dengan stimulus. Kita boleh je makan benda2 merepek, abuse diri dengan unhealthy habits tapi still badan boleh carry on & kita tak right away turn into a vegetable pun. Sampailah masa kita tak beragak push benda2 tu melepasi 'misery threshold' body, irreversibly screwed up, melingkup.

Saturday, April 22, 2017


Baru-baru ni Elon Musk renew balik interest dunia kat satu long-standing question pasal realiti bila dia suggest very likely realiti as we know it ni adalah satu simulasi yang sangat immersive oleh satu pihak yang ada teknologi power melampaui imaginasi. Agak gila pasal aku sendiri pun pernah terfikir benda sama. Hmm menarik untuk follow Elon Musk & team punya effort untuk pursue teori ni..regardless apapun yang akan jumpa. In a way macam konsep ketuhanan-higher being, no? 

Dalam movie Marvel's Dr. Strange, The Ancient One (Tilda Swinton) ada cakap "What if I told you that the reality you know is one of many?." Walaupun storyline movie ni agak letdown, quote ni (selain dari eye candy astral visual trippy) adalah memorable catch untuk aku. 

Sebab bukan ke begitu? Konsep realiti ni begitu fluid & abstrak, banyak angle boleh tengok= maka ada banyaklah realiti walaupun tak semua kita tahu. Paling dekat, angle individual realiti. Lain orang, lain sense of perception dunia bagi dia so cara berfungsi dalam hidup ni pun lain- ekslusif untuk address realiti hidup sendiri. Mungkin kat satu level group besar boleh kongsi satu general common reality tapi at the end of the day, masing-masing ada unique set of personal circumstances yang kena hadap.

Bila try belajar pasal orang lain sebagai insan, kita terdedah kat realiti hidup dia jugak. Realiti2 ni lah yg pry open outlook kita untuk acknowledge kepelbagaian realiti ni. Pasal ni lah keje offer nasihat kat problem orang ni tricky bagi aku, macam defuse bomb. Kalau tak cukup arif, senang salah move, hancuss. Tapi kisah2 realiti orang lain ni boleh jugak jadi reference untuk kita apply dalam realiti sendiri.

Tapi main contention aku sekarang ni pasal realiti ialah- jawapan untuk persoalan2 besar yang limiting progress kita dalam sesuatu bidang, mungkin ada kat realiti untuk bidang lain. Realiti bidang kat sini maksudnya kefahaman semasa (current understanding) kita dalam bidang tu. Pendek kata, setiap bidang ada 'cara' masing2, kadang2 ianya tak cukup nak kembangkan bidang tu, kenalah cari inspirasi dari 'cara' bidang yang lain. Macam bila bidang senibina moden gunapakai design dari alam semulajadi untuk solve isu kelestarian etc. Macam bila fizik moden guna ilham dari bidang seni lukis untuk fahami teori rumit.Sebab ada banyak bidang ilmu & unfortunately masih kurang integrasi antara semuanya jadi progress pun asing2 je. Tak harmoni. 

Contoh aku alami sekarang- ada big data yang appear chaotic yang current understanding dalam bidang ni struggle untuk make sense, hence hitting a wall. Aku rasa benda jadi camni sebab segala cara carik solution untuk prob ni still revolve & limited kat realiti yang kita (fikir kita) tahu pasal bidang ni. Mungkin solution yg dicari2 sebenarnya satu thought process dari satu bidang jauh yang completely unrelated? anjakan paradigma (shift) tak cukup, kena lompat (leap) style katak karate split terus.

Nak stretch thinking sampai capai ke sana tu mencabar. Tapi tetap kena buat. Satu quote fav aku dari Abraham Lincoln yang aku rephrase sebab versi asal panjang sangat "The dogmas of past are inadequate for present. We must disenthrall ourselves from some of them, think & act anew". Dogma kat sini samalah erti dengan realiti, figuratively.

To disenthrall from ze dogmas. Cheers

Tuesday, April 18, 2017


Arwah Picasso ada cakap "Masa lahir semua orang adalah artis, cabarannya ialah untuk kekal artis bila membesar". Sir Ken Robinson pulak berpendapat sistem pendidikan-pekerjaan konvensional la yang mengasuh seseorang tu tinggalkan 'artis' dalam diri mereka. 

Aku personally setuju dengan dua2 orang ni & dan identify dengan idea ni. Dari kecik aku ada affinity untuk seni tampak (lukis & warna) dan rasanya ada talent sikit. Along the way membesar, kecenderungan seni ni tenggelam timbul ikut faktor persekitaran yang kadangkala suppress dia. Campur dengan proses panjang self discovery, discover kebolehan (dan ketidakbolehan) diri sendiri lagi...tapi sekarang aku happy ada kat fasa yang ngam untuk try sekali lagi.

Zaman sekarang aku rasa penggunaan istilah artis agak loose & messed up..main pukul rata asal selebriti je artis. Kalau true to its form artis adalah seniman, yang hasilkan karya seni, artikulasi idea2 original & bebas eskpresikannya melalui kapasiti kreatif. 
Selebriti pulak golongan popular yang diraikan (celebrated) massa for whatever reasons, sesimple tu hakikatnya. Tak semua selebriti ada substance seni untuk layak dipanggil artis, dan ramai real artis tak diraikan pun sebab karya seni mereka sukar diterima & dimengerti massa.

Kadang2 member berseloroh panggil aku artis (retis). Kalau sebabnya ialah ekspresi kreatif yang ada aku hasilkan rasa flattered lah, tapi more likely gurauan tu sebab diorang ada impression yang aku ni kira 'popular' sebab tahap attention (eg: comments, likes & share) di media sosial. Atau lain-lain surface values pada zahirnya yang ditengok tu. Kalaulah mereka tahu betapa sillynya benda superficial attention ni.

Sebab lain yang orang pernah kata aku artis ialah 'susah betul nak jumpa kau, artis betul'. Tu sebab aku memang malas nak jumpa kau lah pandai kahkah. Well nak tau ape lagi yang susah nak jumpa selain artis? -spesis hidupan terancam. Harimau & unikorn.

Berbalik kepada quote arwah Picasso- kita semua artis sebenarnya. Paling true sekali, bila kita sedar bentuk seni masing-masing & layan kehidupan ni sebagai satu 'performing arts', kanvas/pentasnya ialah segala aktiviti. Semua yang dilakukan buat yang terbaik ikut cara kita (seni kita). 

Saturday, April 15, 2017

14 days of craziness

im just a simple, peace-loving human. While I do love adventures & challenges, I seek them only from the outdoors. Maybe from responsibilities at work as well. But veery rarely from other human being.  So much so that I try my best to avoid high-emotion situations involving other humans, more so when i have no control in the whole ordeal (like when i don't wish for it). Because getting involved emotionally wear my soul out & and its confusing me so bad. i dread the aftertastes in withdrawal phase too.

But past 14 days has been a shitstorm of that. A barrage of high-emotion situations happened, attacking my self-concept. i cant figure them out and understand them, which made me deeply confused..

There were 3 surprise birthday celebrations from 3 different groups of people whom all i think im not very close with. Also I discovered this one friend that constantly messes up with my brain as i cant dictate what he really meant when he speaks about anything. In a recent outing with a small group of barely-close ex-colleagues they disclosed a tonne of very personal stories that happened in broad daylight at the workplace when i was actually there- but i was totally clueless,as oblivious as a doorknob.

All these high emotion situations stick out (in my otherwise free from human dramas life) as unexplainable anomalies. I kinda get it that I need to show appreciation to the kind gestures, engage back with the attention given to me, and cooperate/contribute in the activities. It's not like I hate these people, not at all- I appreciate these experiences, but I have limited capacity to receive/give attention. Throughout these confusing events which felt like time suddenly passed by very slowly, i struggle to function normally, mind just went to a halt & at the back of my head just asking on repeat: "What is all this?", "What does this actually mean?" "What am i for them? Why me?", "How do i deserve all this?", "Wait so they liked me they really really liked me?", "How should I react? What face expression should I make? What to say?" 
Followed by a good, long, echoing, mental, "What the hellllllllllllllllllllllllllll~~~~~"

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Macam mana

"Macam mana rasanya kalau berada kat dalam tempat/posisi orang lain?"

Out of pure curiosity, and the desire to learn & experience different views/insights aku selalu membayangkan perasaan or rather- rasa jadi pihak lain. Well, ni bukan sekadar cuba untuk try memahami disebalik tingkahlaku orang (empati), tapi jugak nak cuba 'tap' kat part pengalaman. Nak dapat fix yang buat jiwa raga rasa hidup.

How does it really really feel like:
  • Jadi chinese/indian kat Malaysia. Mesti perceived world terasa berbeza, lain dari apa yang aku alami. Dengan cabaran2 & nak navigate thru. Walaupun negara ni relatively tak racist, tapi perpaduan masih tak cukup kuat, semua kaum saling subjected to an invisible (sometimes not so invisible) abstract concept of favoritism. No?
  • Jadi perempuan. Macam mana rasanya jadi orang perempuan yang bound kepada beberapa elemen physiological & biological dalam kehidupan. Dalam dunia moden ni macan mana perempuan/wanita deal dengan cabaran2 dan unnecessary hindrance imposed by the general society. Macam mana orang perempuan rasa bila tengok kucing? Baby? Tengok pelakon wanita cantik yang diadmire? Tengok attractive men? Tengok kejadian emotional? Mesti tak sama dengan lelaki kot?
  • Jadi haiwan. Apa agaknya yang kucing fikir bila kita datang kat dia. Time kucing termenung jauh layan blues petang2 kat pintu, apa yang bermain kat fikiran dia? Apa yang dirasai oleh haiwan liar yang ade dekat zoo dengan keadaan dikurung sebegitu dan manusia datang tengok? Macam Madagascar ke? Bila ada eye contact (ataupun tak) dengan haiwan- aku fikir apa lah yang haiwan ni tengah fikir- haiwan pun mesti dia ada konsep mengalami & memproses kejadian. Bila nampak anjing liar, macam mana lah rasa jadi dia..cabaran hidup, makan tak terjaga, constant fear dengan manusia, kemana halatuju hidup n apa perspektif hari esok bagi anjing liar? Hmm
Dan lain-lain lagi. Ada banyak jenis manusia & jadi lagi banyak jenis bila diperincikan dari sudut position dalam kehidupan dari segi dikotomi biologi & konstruk sosial. Tak termasuk haiwan mamalia lagi. Bila sesuatu hidupan tu berotak, mesti ada suatu konsep memproses alam sekeliling yang dia buat. Dipanggil 'Akal' pada manusia, tapi tak bermakna haiwan setiap masa zoned out & retard mode brain dead je setiap masa. Oh well.

Longing for the next big hit

Monday, April 10, 2017

Datang Balik

aku ada colleague & rakan yang sekolah mckk. Siapa tak kenal mckk? Kolej melayu kuala kangsar yang bersejarah & high profile. Ada pride & tradisi tersendiri, macam lain-lain pride & tradisi sekolah berasrama penuh & mrsm yang wujud.

hari tu aku terdengar dua kawan sesama alumnus mckk (Old Boys) bersembang. Pasal 'balik'
"Kau balik tak weekend ni?" tanya sorang. "Balik kejap je kot. Minggu satu lagi baru aku balik".
Hairan aku sebab dua2 ni bukan sekampung. Rupanya sembang pasal nak ziarah sekolah lama..istilah 'balik' ni semulajadi akan diguna old boys bila cakap pasal nak datang balik sekolah. Nampak kat situ sense of belonging kuat.

Sebab pada aku istilah balik ni kita guna untuk rumah. Balik rumah. Rumah- satu tempat dimana kita berasal & sentiasa dialukan.

Jadi notable sebab aku pernah ada kejadian pasal ni yang aku takkan lupa- masa zaman sekolah mrsm. Aku jenis time cuti pendek ke panjang ke memang aktif dengan aktiviti luar mrsm. Kalau takde aktiviti pun aku selalu tak balik rumah, berhuhahuha je kat maktab dengan kekawan yang sama jadi penunggu. Sampai satu tahap tu aku tak sedar, bila dalam telefon aku bagitau dgn parents aku "tak datang rumah cuti ni sebab ada program" dan "nanti abang datang rumah cuti hujung bulan" etc etc. Benda-benda camtu.

Parents aku perati je dia tak bagitau terus. Aku pun tak perasan dok guna ayat 'datang' untuk rumah. Eventually diorang tegur dan terasa hati lah. Aku pun insaf la kahhh

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Salad bowl

Salad bowl experiment:

Each vegies is different & has its own set of properties unique to its type-  flavor profile, physical attributes, reactivity, resilience etc. All vegies are mixed together in the salad bowl, with the dressing as a constant to normalize the assortment. 

How each vegies react to each other and/or to the dressing is the thing of interest to observe. Presumably, 'stronger' and 'dominant' vegies will influence 'milder' vegies- asserting its properties onto them. Altering the taste, consistency, overall character while the 'weak' ones can be repressed altogether and fade to the background. 

On a larger scale, interactions between each component in the salad bowl should have a net changing effect to their original set of properties. Over time, the dynamics & degree of effect in this salad bowl is arbitrary. Which one that is overpowering, neutral, or weak?. How effective the dressing can bind them as a common value? How will this salad tastes?

And if later on, new vegies are added, or some vegies are removed out from the salad- how will the rest carry on? do they regain their properties or will the somewhat end up changed?

Imagine if vegies here are just subs for human being. 

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Why we need to be true to self

One reason why we need to show our true colors & just express our honest self whenever there's a chance is to help each other out. Under the premise that we are all constantly learning about life using the feed and experiences from each other, being pretentious and untruthful send wrong signals, yield bad data. These so-to-speak fabricated feed can compound to an errorneous interpretation of life down the road, a major shitstorm in general. So just be yourself, help people understand life correctly. 

The universe will take care of the rest.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Yeahh memasuki umur baru.
Masih perplexed dengan konsep kehidupan kahkahh

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Lagu & mood

Ade satu paradox ni, satu conundrum. Chicken-egg problem.

kaitan antara lagu dengan perubahan mood. Yang mana dulu & mana kemudian? Dengar lagu sekian sekian & mood pun ikut feel lagu..atau mood yang start datang dulu lepastu itu la yang mendorong layan lagu2 yang sama feel..

Pasal aku perasan mood ni asyik nak saudade je sejak dua menjak ni. Kena pulak dengan 2 favourite tracks yang aku dok repeat sampai lebam sekarang-Balada Aku Engkau (Pitahati) dengan Amy (Payung Teduh).

Pasal bukan ape, letih jugak nak layan sentimental sangat. So nak tau jugak puncanya memang aku emotionally sentimental & tindakan cari lagu2 yang layan feel ni chain reaction dia, atau pasal aku layan lagu2 ni le jadi terjebak menjiwai musik lalu tersaudade sama kedalam ritma instrumen lagu.

Aku try jugak reverse effect dgn layan ost  La La Land, hidup pun tetiba jadi ceria. Patut nye dibuat lagi banyak lagu2 camni. Ni Aiman Tino pulak baru muncul jubake betul


Dalam movie spiderman Uncle Ben ade cakap kat peter parker sebelum dia meninggey kena tembak "with great power comes great responsibility.
Nice last words la pakcik. Steady. Bye2.
Sekarang Uncle Kemé pulak nak tambah
"With great experience comes great withdrawal"

Sebab memang pun, at least camtu yang aku rasa. Dalam hidup aku setakat ni ade fair share merasa pengalaman2 yang powerful, moment2 yang sentuh ke dalam hati. Macam bercinta, jejak tempat2 amazing dlm dunia, buat benda2 thrill, jumpa macam2 jenis orang yang real menarik. Contoh.

Lepastu bila sampai penamat or moment tu habis, masa tu la withdrawal akan slow2 kick in. Bila balik travel, bila putus cinta, bila berpisah dgn orang2 bermakna, bila habis buat benda thrill...akan rasa la struggle untuk kembali ke dunia nyata, alam pekerjaan. Nak move on tu liat sungguh. Not a seamless transition at all.

Tambah2 lagi kalau orang yang mudah develop soul connection dekat pengalaman2 tu. Mudah terpaut & bila dah click, dia appeciate betul. Bila semua dah berlalu, hati tertinggal sekali. Leceh la adoi.

Pasal tu aku hati2 nk invest attention & open up untuk connect dgn orang skrg terutamanya yang almost certain akan fade away tak lama kemudian. Tak larat nak recover dari withdrawal nanti diorang pergi.

Kalau perasan semua contoh ni benda indah2 je, bukan bermakna pengalaman tak indah tu tak powerful..tapi quote ni apply kat moment nice2 je. Dari sudut impak pengalaman, semua sekali yg indah & yg traumatizing sama levelnya..dua2 kita patut cherish buat teladan.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017


antara benda yang occupy kepala otak aku kebelakangan ni ialah perihal performance. Lebih tepat lagi, performance dalam pekerjaan.

Aku ada jugak visi peribadi untuk contribute dalam menghadirkan sesuatu yang great & berimpak dalam skala lebih besar dalam dunia ni, benda yang berguna untuk mankind. Aku rasa sekarang aku berada kat position (kedudukan dalam hidup & persekitaran kerja) yang 'boleh pergi jauh'  ni, tinggal aku je untuk siapkan diri dan betul-betul push forward..go.

Untuk betul-betul go forward ni yang mencabar. Tapi ramai yang berjaya- mesti ada satu trait pada diorang yang bagi steely wit & tenacity untuk diorang carry on againts all odds bila segala shitstorm maknenek melanda.

Selama ni aku percaya trait tu ialah Passion yang sejati. Passionately pursuing something mesti rasa lain berbanding lakukan benda sama tapi terpaksa endure rather than enjoy it. Passion buatkan usaha yang dikerah rasa selari dengan kemahuan & rasa letih constantly direjuvenate dengan keseronokan.

Tapi betul ke minat/passion ni requirement untuk rise beyond mediocrity? memang passion satu trait yang boleh tambah kick, tapi rasanya kena lebih dari tu untuk dorong hasilkan sesuatu yang real punya revolusionary macam tokoh2 dalam semua bidang buat.

Ianya bukan sekadar passion- tapi obsession. Yep untuk jadi out of this world punya power dalam something, seseorang tu kena betul obses dengan benda yang dikerjakan tu. Benda tu je yang dipikirknya 24/7..occupy seluruh masa dan kapasiti tumpuannya, benda-benda lain take the back seat..obses sampai sanggup buat literally segala apa yang perlu supaya dapat ape yang nak. Obses lah.

Aku faham dinamika ni sebab in a different setting, aku pernah technically obses dengan hobi-hobi aku yang dah bawak aku ke tahap2 yang noteworthy dalam hidup yang takkan jadi kalau setakat passion biasa-biasa je.

Cuma aku tak cukup obses lagi dengan benda yang aku kerjakan sekarang ni. Pasal tu aku berlegar-legar dalam level fairly competent je. In fact, im easily distracted kot..dan ade multiple interest lain yang rebut komitmen untuk jadi obses if any at all. So sebelum aku boleh nak go forward dan perform greatly, aku kena jatuh obses dulu. Mesti ini akan mengubah diri nanti.

healthy dosage of obsession.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

saudade yauloh

This week im having existential fever.  Loss of appetite, loss of interest, feeling physically sluggish, mentally all over the place, reduced libido, in saudade. Throwing existential questions at the wall only to scramble for the rebounds

This feeling is pretty much anticipated, as im in the last days in my old age before birthday. The transition to another year plus is always something. in this time around ill contemplate life, reminisce past moments n recollect experience, then try to figure em out- which ill never can which ended up riddling me for another year. Yearly cycle since 19 as I can remember.

How to life yauloh

Friday, February 3, 2017

A title dont always present

Im naturally drawn to learning more on interesting concepts about some subjects that i come across. Mostly things related to the fundamentals of human perception, philosophy, thought process etc. When an idea caught my attention the interest can easily snowballed from mere fascination to an appreciation. I have an affinity towards this area of knowledge, which is evident from my involvement history & my choice of reading material since early age. I simply believe it helps me understand myself better.

U know it- we dont yet fully understand something until we communicate the idea through. Only then the complete circle of experiencing something is achieved. But having the lack of people to talk to, i frequently resort to penning the idea down to blog entries and notes in my phone. Some of them got published, a lot wait as drafts- when im not quite done and awaiting new spark of ideas to continue (and push the storytelling to a closure/finish)

Whenever I pursue an understanding pertaining a specific idea, ill start to write as if it is a detailed transcript of a stimulating conversation between two or more parties that see the idea grow and from obscurity prunes into clarity. In my mind, it's almost like my speech text to of me communicating the idea through whenever the opportunity comes. When the previlege and luxury of meaningful discussion made available. That time when i met the audience that can welcome the content and treat it rightfully.

By now i've wrote quite a lot of these 'mental speeches'. I still wonder if i'll ever be granted the blessing of conversing them with understanding fellow(s). Trying to speak with cats or plants seems ineffective. Well until then i'll just continue with writing more because i can't stop thinking.

Sometimes i wonder if this is even healthy at all. I guess everyone nowadays have their own share of neurosis.

Friday, January 27, 2017


These time around, i came to appreciate more of what different profession takes & how they are actually difficult in their own ways.

I for one, always advocate the importance of creativity in doing a less-abstract more-empiric works (relative to arts) that emphasizes literacy & numeracy like engineering & informatics.  Because I have my own affinity to arts and my passion in drawing trace way back to younger days.

Even it's nice to treat programming as crafting an art piece, but the creativity involved in coding is very different than  say-drawing. Indeed  there is a school of thought that upholds elegant programming and neat use of notions and syntaxes..but as far as practicality goes- "Whatever works, man.". So actually, as long as the script/code functions well and produce the desired output when executed- that's all that matters. Even sometimes u dont know why your script works, its fine. When your code works, it's finished, altough you might have no real clue why you can stop there.

But when squeezing creativity into perceived arts like on a canvas or onto a stage, every bits matters. You cannot stop until you achieve the very end of satisfaction spectrum only then it's considered finish and you can put everything down. Most often this pursuit of artistic expression and aesthetic undestanding is a long process. With intermittent dry spells to be expected.

Ah but both are nice. I'm savouring both. Perks to be multitalented and assigned task from both domains (whine & brags at the same time)

Monday, January 16, 2017

Baru dua minggu masuk bulan Januari 2017, beberapa peristiwa menarik dah pun berlaku. Macam yang semua maklum, jumlah moment2 power yang berlaku dalam kehidupan ni lah metrik utama kualiti hayat, bukan harta atau pangkat (dua2 ni hanya alatan/tool bukan end result) inilah antara moment noteworthy yang dah pun berlangsung dalam masa yang singkat...

Waktu solat jumaat minggu lepas, brader jemaah yang duduk sebelah aku sepanjang khutbah memang aku perasan dia tidur all the way (well, khutbah time tu aku langsung tak tidur) dia cuma bangun bila sampai waktu solat. Masa bacaan fatihah rakaat pertama, dalam qiam tu dia goyang2. Aku ingat kes mamai2 nak terlelap time berdiri. Tapi lepastu kaki dia macam tersentak tendang wallet & spek mata yang letak kat bawah, dia tumbang & rebah terlentang & kaku situ -PENGSAN. Ya ampunn aku & dua jemaah sebelah dia stop solat untuk check keadaan mamat ni. Muka pucat habis, tepuk2 pun tak gerak, tanya ape pun tak menyahut. Dalam fikiran aku plan apa nak buat kalau dia start seizure. Tak lama pastu dengan lemah dia start bukak mata, bergerak sikit, dari terlentang dia duduk bersila. Aku  urut sikit kepala, tengkuk & bahu dia then nampak macam okay, aku pun angkat  takbir balik. Lepas habis solat dia berterima kasih, aku tanya dia memang ada sakit ke? Harini puasa ke? Dua-dua soalan tu dia jawab 1st time jadi katanya. Aku suspek kes bloodflow kacau sebab time dia tidur masa khutbah tu posture duduk belakang & kepala dia overly bongkok.

Tempohari masa weekend aku jalan-jalan naik sebuah gunung. Daytrip je, last minit kawan ajak- santai free & easy.  Kemudian masa trekking turun, tepi trek aku nampak ada sorang pakcik- macam ada masalah. Ya rupanya dia tengah cuba bertenang sebab sesak nafas, in fact muka dia mula pucat. Dia ditemani anak sedara dia, dua orang perempuan muda yang nampak dah start panik. Aku & kawan pun bincang dengan diorang lalu decide untuk call bantuan sebab pakcik tu nampaknya tak respond well kat usaha bantuan kecemasan kami. Tak lama lepas call 999 tu beberapa respondent APM (Angkatan Pertahanan Awam Malaysia) sampai..laju jugak diorang hiking naik. Pakcik ni akan diusung turun dengan stretcher yang dibawa. Terrain menurun yang tak rata, curam & penuh berbatu memang mencabar, campur pulak trekking turun sambil angkut orang- memang gilo. Naya brader2 APM saje nak angkut turun (plus aku & kawan most probably lebih fit & able *bukan berlagak) so kami volunteer jugak. Dan beberapa hikers lain yang kebetulan lalu pun volunteer sama. Memang lain macam dia punya penangan bawak orang dalam stretcher turun gunung..lenguh satu badan pastu. Apepun alhamdulillah pakcik tu selamat dibawa turun & ambulans yang menunggu di kaki gunung bawak ke hospital.

Dan baru-baru ni jugak aku lalui 1st collision dengan workplace aku. Hell yeah...walaupun kira baru lagi kat sini (belumpun setahun) tapi i can't help it. Respect tetap respect, tapi never takut yang boleh buatkan aku tak suarakan pandangan pasal sebarang benda yang aku rasa tak kena. Sebab first and foremost is to safeguard your own interest and protect your value, nobody is gonna take care about that as priority. So begitulah, aku cuba untuk keep it as elegant and professional as possible, sebab afterall i believe this is part of both parties learning curve..aku as an employee & at another end is majukan. Biasalah dalam kehidupan bekerja. Yang pasti aku takkan over tolerate sebarang benda sampai compromise value diri sendiri. Orang lain mungkin ada cara masing2 & cuba play along tapi i aint gonna play inferior

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

going 2017
but it still haunts
gets me everytime


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