Sunday, October 1, 2017

sedar diri sedar ruang

Mami (choreographer) selalu pesan ayat ni  kat aku & kawan2 masa menari bawah tunjuk ajar dia time study dulu2. Throughout semua steps memang penting alert positioning diri dengan rakan2 kalau tak memang nampak sumbang, floor pattern yang rancang tak menjadi, silap-silap berlaga satu sama lain.  Dah banyak tahun berlalu sejak zaman tu, tapi this must be one of the most profound advice in my life. Time and time again aku adopt quote ni apply kat higher level hidup. Senada dengan refleksi diri & muhasabah. Cuba jadikan one of life pillars.

Terutamanya untuk protect dari disappointment. I learn to debate myself over any prospects just to stretch persepsi terhadap situasi, proses untuk sedar diri dan sedar ruang sebenarnya macam mana, then recalibrate expectation sewajarnya. Sebab mismatch antara expectation dengan situasi jadi kat realiti ni boleh kata root of all disappointment. Tak best kecewa, tapi kalau kena kecewa jugak at least dah try fikir panjang bukan syok sendiri. Jangan rasa entitled sangat.

Cuma kadang-kadang bila scrutinize idea untuk produce realistic expectation ni, rasa macam ketepikan elemen harapan dalam situasi pun ada. Sedangkan ‘hope’ ni sumber kekuatan yang maha-power bilamana semua odds tak berpihak kepada kita. Lihat sajalah macam mana rakyat Palestina yang oppressed tetap solid dengan resistance mereka tahun demi tahun berdepan regim zionis & sekutunya yang lagi canggih serba serbi. Sebab mereka percaya dan berpegang pada ‘hope’ satu hari bumi yang dirampas pasti kembali kepada mereka. Lawan teruss.

Expectation kena realistic, tapi kena percaya ada harapan juga. Ah, to strike the balance.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Some time ago a friend of asked me to join her on a charity visit to an old folks nursing home. She was bit bemused when I declined because she had this impression that I am actively involved in such ‘reach out’ activities. I don’t know where she got that kind of perception, but this event triggered my self-reflection on why do I choose not to join her.

I support the cause. Indeed I had my share of past experiences as organizer & participants in charity programs to old folks home, orphanage, and correctional institutions. I like the sense of communal responsibility helping groups that are less fortunate in our society. I loved it when I get to draw out deep stories of the various people I speak to: wisdom thoughts, secrets, happy recollections, and sometimes dark traumatic experiences. Such intimate moments between people who barely know each other. 

I try to make my presence there; helping & listening, therapeutic for them but there’s a side in that experience that really challenges my balance. Because I feel strongly to every stories they shared, I tend to absorb them and I come to realize that I am not so strong to handle their impact to my mood. If sadness gets its way to me, they fucking stay. At times, after listening to how the old folks ended up in that elderly nursing home, I got depressed and stressed out for days, even weeks.

Knowing I can get emotionally spooked by visits to elderly nursing homes, I visit them with caution. Most time I avoid them in exchange I send monetary contributions instead. I decided to be selfish, taking care of myself first.
It messes up my brain to see sad elderlies being left at these homes. One-off visits and goodies splurge can’t mend their empty stares at the end of the day when everyone left. And it destroys me knowing that they’re in their final stage of life, not much of a permanent good turn can take place anymore, they’re at the mercy of time. The lack of hope left kills me.
That’s why I prefer going to orphanages or shelter homes or correctional institutions for youths instead. Although sad things happened to them (eg: losing parents, traumatized, doing unlawful things) they are still young. There’s still a lot ahead of them in life. Anything is achievable, think about the possibility and opportunity, that really excites me. There are many hopes, I root for them to get happiness and wellness.

So when the news break that 21 tahfiz students, all of them are young children and teens, died in an arson fire attack at their school, I am shattered to pieces. So many potential & hopes in what they could’ve achieve in life, all lost in vain. I am broken. Alfatihah..

Wednesday, August 30, 2017


I got a phone call from my faculty, Apparently it's now time for new students intake and the faculty want to 'invite' me as one of alumnus rep to meet the juniors of my course program, and talk about stuffs I feel relevant. When presented this opportunity, I found it rather jarring on so many levels.
1) It's comical because I'm anything but a model student. I bend (most people call it 'break') all the rules when I'm in their shoe, to fulfill my idea of student life.
2)I haven't had any contact with my faculty since graduation. Also non-existent in alumni association. Definitely not a model alumni either.
3) Not sure if I accomplished anything significant that warrants me the position to tell even juniors anything about this field of study. I’m still figuring out all this myself tbh.
So why me? The faculty conceded that my contacts were given to them by some other seniors they first approached, So yeah, must be all them better fitting seniors are unavailable.
So I need to talk about something useful and relevant to the new juniors of my course program.

You see, it’s a personal dilemma because I believe the best message about any subject is the one delivered from its genuinely passionate devoted practitioner and frankly speaking this subject and I is not exactly that. I might fared well (kinda) in science & tech field, but I realize outside that obligation I have strong affinity towards humanities, philosophy & sociology, and arts. I read & grok books encompassing these topics. I am very interested to understand human behavior & perception of this world to fully appreciate the diversity.

Working in science & tech while maintaining penchant for humanities & sociology is not exactly a seamless transition. They shouldn’t be treated as polar opposite but I regrettably I feel that way and I am conflicted in that specific chasm. Almost like leading double identity, I feel dishonest to myself, equals to not worthy to tell juniors what to do..yeah the thought snowballed following that pattern.

Until one day, it occurs to me that this chasm is not that much of a divide afterall, they actually coalesce. When I  do biological data informatics, I’m learning deeper about humans too by looking directly at their genetic  blueprints. While I’m designing Artificial Intelligence-Deep Learning application, I dive into some eye opening ideas on human thought processes eg: to build inferences and filtering assumptions to emulate them in silico. The methods I adopt might be unconventional but the goal is the same- to understand better about humans and human mind. Turned out I still can tap all them in parallel! This moment of realization settles down the personal dilemma.

So this is my story about bioinformatics, a personal anecdote. I’m not going to yap about study smart & score good grades, pursue academic excellence to the top tier blablabla because that’s everyone's personal learning curve to experience. If you can, try to carry the knowledge you studied to it's respective profession, because we are all units of investment for our community/nation. If everyone opt out from their discipline after graduating in pursuit of more popular careers, that’s a lot of failed investment, money flushed down the drain.

Monday, August 21, 2017


There's a 'lie' in believe
'Good' in goodbye
'Over' in lover,
'End' in friend, 
'Us' in trust, 
'If' in life
'Ok' in Lokman
'Hell' in hello
'Shit' in shittake
'Room' in mushroom
'Ass' in Glass
'Ape' in vape
'Air' in hair

idk where this is heading or what its trying prove here yapyapyap what the fuqqq i miss my long hair already

Monday, August 14, 2017


Recently I lost a friend.
We don't even know each other for that long, but in that shared moment I got enough ideas & the impressions of how as a person he was. We have many mutual friends too that sometimes told stories about him so I kinda build a profile about him long before we actually met. The fact that we share similar passion for the outdoors & solo backpacking made us can relate to each other naturally.

It's difficult to describe this, but I feel the loss like an old friend. Usually I don't become this sensitive, in fact I believe the only sensitive part of me is my wisdom tooth. But his demise hits something home in a way that I was not prepared for at that time.

Knowing him personally & learning about him from friends' stories, I can say that he's a good son, a brilliant student, a selfless companion, a kind soul. A great man all round. I root for him to succeed in life, personally & professionally. I really do. Now that he's gone, I can't help to feel bit sentimental about all the stuffs life had in store for him..wonderful things that he might achieve. Because he deserve all the happiness in this world.

Gone too soon if you ask me, but that's how life works. Alfatihah Mirul Dewa. Rest in peace see you later bro.

badaboom badabeam

Feels like there's a party in my head these time around. Books I currently read, work challenges I'm undertaking, pondering existential stuffs- are among the reasons. But a large stimulus of this is the people I meet nowadays. You see, there's an influx of new recruits into my workplace in the past months & all are fresh grads, in their early 20s, youthful souls transitioning from class into workforce. Competencies aside because youngsters need chances to groom & hone their skills to be the best they can be. been there so yeah. What fascinates me is the new opportunity at hand for me to learn about them as humans- How do they perceive life? What are the things that matters to them? Where do they take inspiration from? Who do they look up to? How do they want to be treated? What's their take on popular issues like feminism & gender fluidity? My questions can never end. I want to pick their brain (not in Hannibal kind of way).

To me age never really matters but I acknowledge that systematic difference in our timeline can explain why we are all so diverse. Between us there's enough age gap to make a generational fault, and already being the old soul among my peers doesn't help to make me feel sometimes ancient. Mingling with them youngsters make me feel happy but nostalgic, reminding me of my former selves. Discovered a lot about young people nowadays, rediscover myself in the process. I realize there's an invisible attraction for me to dial back down to that place, to act like I'm early 20s again. So here is the beautiful duality in the situation- I must allow their youthfulness to rub off on me & loosen the rigidity that adulthood might have force into me but as someone who knows better, I must also share/teach them (by example) a bit about maturity, professionalism, and responsibilities, and some strategic seriousness required as indie adult.
Afterall I've always made a strong case about maintaining solid original identity.

And of course like any good party, things can get eventful to a point of being confusing at times. When they came I get to flex my emotion muscles even in ways that I don't really thought possible. I recall experiencing a wide spectrum of emotions , some are alright some not so much. And a ridiculous lot of contemplation in between. But I guess thats just how it works, people who can make you feel good can make you feel shitty and what not too. After all dust has settled, smoke and mirrors taken away, I appreciate all their contributions to my life reel. I hope to reciprocate on that.
My penchant for understanding people is not just a hobby. It's my path to restoration & catharsis.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Ramadan thoughts

Ramadan baru ni terasa tawar. Setiap hari macam repeat cycle. Bangkit sahur cukup syarat, skip2 mealtime siang, bila azan maghrib makan balik apa ade, kadang2 terawih. Sebab takde feel jugak tak jejak langsung bazar ramadan cari makan special ke apa, tak semangat terawih, tak semangat nak pulun ibadat. Awalnya aku suspek rasa monotonous ni sebab buat semuanya sorang. Sebab experience berpuasa dah masuk banyak tahun sama (bujang, diperantauan, sibuk etc). 

Sehinggalah 15 ramadan, aku naik broga moreh dengan kawan-kawan. aku bersidai atas puncak batu dalam hening kelam dingin, merenung langit cerah bulan mengambang sambil cuba rungkai fenomena ramadan aku tak best ni. Then the thought struck me macam gedebush percikan air terjun bila terjuk tiruk (not my best analogy).

Aku patutnya takleh tunggu ada feel baru nak buat aktiviti2 ramadan. Tapi aku kena redah je buat dulu semua benda2, feeling tu akan hadir kemudian. Pegi je iftor masjid, paksa je diri terawih jemaah, terjun je join tadarus, seret je diri pegi makan berjenis sikit dengan kawan2. Sedekah hit & run style jangan pikir lama sangat. Lalu bila dibuat, ramadan aku terasa meriah..magic sekali. 2nd half yang lebih berkualiti.

So..adakah semua benda pun patut kita commit je diri dulu baru perasaan akan fill in menyusul masuk kemudian?

Thursday, July 13, 2017

In hibition

This is a story about inhibitions or to be more precise, in the psyche sense. Some people refer to it as mental block/barrier etc, but i like the word inhibition more. There's an organic feel to it (like inhibitor enzymes) which the word block/barrier has not.

I'm always interested to learn about humans i met (learn more about myself in the process), and it's amazing how their inhibitions can be lifted by many factors which then reveal their true colors.

recently i get to know some people whom i reckon is so easy going, open to new experiences, and really hard to take offense. Those personal habits that most people will likely try to be discreet about, uh uh no fucks given here as Nike famously put it- Just Friggin Do It! 
While I wonder how can/what makes such uninhibited soul exist, before i realizes the liveliness rubs off to me- And lifted my inhibitions too! Some i didnt even acknowledge existed! I also met people whom i think need more inhibitions to suppress some urges/behaviors that's not very suitable to let loose and roam freely into other people's personal space. Well, that's all about that part.

Another case. One time i met a girl at the minibar during a gig. On the surface she appeared sweet, or some say tad too sweet in relative to the crowd. Dressed very neatly & tidy, softspoken, seems kinda reserved at first. But after a glass of drink (or two) she transformed into another self, fun and kills it on the dancefloor. She's not senselessly wasted it's like the alcohol lifted some of her inhibitions. Like how the curtains are lifted then the real deal came out. I dont drink or addicted to substances, but i fully aware of how these elements can shift chemical balance in the brain altering mood, human behavior, and outlook- not necessarily in a bad way as one might misunderstood or being stigmatized. For me this is interesting, and worthy to be discussed intellectually. 

Ah inhibitions. To be or not to be inhibited is the real question.

Friday, June 30, 2017


hello people!
*imaginary crowd cheers

Blogging was put on a hold for these several months bukan sebab blog ni dah phased out, this space is still dear to me & I intend to keep it (active) for a long time still. The thing is I was occupied by some personal projects, about the subjects that I'm always penchant for. A lot of interesting things occured along the way, and usually when this happen I'll direct the storytelling here but this time I get to channel them elsewhere. It's refreshing to have other outlets, alternative avenues to express, bounce around thoughts & I like it very much. I'm gonna enjoy this new emotional refuge and maybe one day I'll spill some of the fun here as well. As soon as next time perhaps

Sunday, May 14, 2017

arkitek sosial

Masa kecik aku pernah ada cita-cita nak jadi arkitek. Mungkin sebab time tu minat melukis dan somehow ada impression yang kerja arkitek cool, dari idea dalam kepala translate jadi drawing atas plan, lepastu materialize jadi struktur binaan real punya. Imagination is the limit walaowei. Tapi biasalah cita-cita berubah walaupun aku tak pursue jalan tu sekarang aku masih ada fondness & appreciation kat profesion arkitek. Bahan bacaan masa lapang pon cover subjek berkaitan arkitek selain segala maknenek lagi yang aku deem 'general knowledge'. Antara figure yang aku follow, arkitek Denmark Bjarke Ingels

Bjarke Ingels kata bila design sesuatu ruang enterior & interior (english=space), benda yang kena sentiasa ingat (selain hukum fizik of course) ialah macam mana kita nak manusia-manusia yang occupy space tu function di dalam area tu, then design accordingly. Bukan fikir design nak bombastik futuristik aestetik je lepas settle tu expect manusia terima operate, compensate & tolerate said space. Sebab menurut Bjarke, physical space ni mempengaruhi cara kita function sebagai individu & sesama sendiri. Ye lah, it's a no brainer yang persekitaran main peranan besar untuk kesesuaian sesuatu aktiviti. Contoh umum, macam ruang yang luas antara siling dengan lantai, natural lighting dan tingkap besar lebih menggalakkan interaksi dua hala sebab mewujudkan rasa selesa. Tapi contratry untuk aktiviti intimate, tingkap besar & lighting banyak jadi inhibitor pulak. Depends case-base. Untuk interaksi sosial ke untuk kerja ke, untuk perbincangan ke etc.

Memang physical space ada bahagian dia dalam pola perkembangan manusia  lebih-lebih lagi bila semuanya unsuspecting & open minded, tapi still ianya (physical space) interplay dengan satu faktor lagi iaitu social space/personal boundaries yang setiap individu setup. Even kalau suasana sekeliling dah paling kondusif untuk social interaction pun, kalau individu tu dah draw social space dia (pakai earphone or mask penutup mulut) dia akan jadi statement “I'm not interested in conversation right now”.

Tapi secara generik, physical space menyediakan acuan untuk perkembangan social space, more or less. Up to a certain extent, kita ada power untuk influence/trigger manusia-manusia punya kelakuan & perkembangan dalam sesuatu ruang, dengan mewujudkan elemen tertentu dalam ruang tu. Contoh macam dalam wilderness, bila ada satu je watering hole semua penghuni rimba akan turun situ minum & open up possibilities untuk macam-macam interaksi. Kalau ada banyak sumber air bersepah, semua haiwan takkan terserempak each other as much. Knowing this, aku occasionally bereksperimen dengan manusia-manusia yang ada disekeliling la.. Tinker around dengan susunan interior, setup pantry, trigger particular event etc..walaupun tak jadi arkitek bangunan, tapi boleh je jadi arkitek sosial. Harmlessly & non invasive of course.
Aku cuma seronok nak perhati respon & sebarang interaksi yang tercetus. Kadang-kadang kalau untung, dapat la experience sesuatu yang special lain dari biasa.

Sebab sebenarnya semua ada peranan jadi arkitek sosial so kena berilmu takleh ikut naluri sentiasa. Macam bila main peranan pemerintah, ketua, dan parents.


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