Boohoo+Hnss+zzz

Recently i come to realize a rather new sensation that happens strangely at night time. Breathing becomes deep and heavy like there’s an imaginary paramedic pressing down my chest in desperate effort to resuscitate. But the body feels light, feet feels like floating in slow mo. There’s a moving feeling of warmth around the face area, eyes tend to squint, brows furrow. Possibly a reaction of discomfort, as if invisible gauze or cotton or tissue smothering the face preparing to wipe tears that’s supposed to be there but not. Something is building up, dammed inside. The doors are knocked at both sides. On the surface it appears idle and unassuming, not reflecting the frantic inconsolable mind. Hopelessly restless, but what more is there to do? it’s time to rest. Must be one of the worst feeling, to go to bed sad and sorrowful. Ayy shittake. Unresolved issue, unmet needs; to come to terms with.

sadness always intrigues me more, making me spend much time trying to comprehend & figure it out because i believe sadness tops happiness as a requirement for a good life. When sadness precedes happiness, exactly in that order- there lies the better plot twist of living. If it’s the other way around it sucks more because the ending is a negative. But the cyclic nature of life dictates that both of them will take turns until a definite stoppage time. So yeah.

“I savour hate as much as I craved love because I’m just a twisted guy” quoting Biffy Clyro.

bday pawst

So what's new?

Coming of age (whattt?), I created Twitter & Insta account. What for idk because still I haven't find the appeal and excitement personally, maybe this is part of the change-influences from people I interact nowadays , things that rub off to me. We'll see whether Twitter & Insta will see any activities as much as here/fb. Sometimes I feel short quirky ideas that I have fit to be expressed on Twitter, stuffs like this:

If I have a free-spirited jovial lady friend that's as adventurous with awesome taste in music and her name is Nani, I'm fosho gonna nickname her SheNanigans. Heck still applicable if she's Nina. COOL SOCMED HANDLER TOO.

Know how before one goes to sleep at night he/she will try to look back what went down for the day? A reflection of some sort, seems like a good practice for mindfulness and to keep memory sharp. I personally try to make that a habit -although many times anxiety gets in way and made reminiscent snowball into a dwelling of past mistakes and replaying regretful actions countless times that's so noisy inside my brain that I’m forced to blurt “Lalala!” out loud just to kill it. But that's another story.

Imagine this bedtime reflections scaled up a bit more, from daily recollections to yearly retrospection. The twist is- Whilst running, memory of one year is reviewed in each 1 km. There you have my birthday ritual run. In an attempt to be more mindful of my journey since early 20s I will start my birthday by running the distance equivalent to my age. Revisiting life events and appreciating the small details that made me- me. A personal ritual that's both challenging and therapeutic. But for 30 onwards I think I'm gonna consider cycling it through la...mental jugak.

Past two weeks witnessed a notable battle with anxiety, surrounded by events that really strike me with duality. On one hand there's a large notion of happiness to it, then followed by an almost immediate aftertaste of crippling loneliness. First there was my birthday on a weekend where I usually keep my schedule more free to spend the day by myself , but blessed I was, friends showed up and took me out filling my day to the brim, with celebrations and cake treats and all. Behind the happiness I exhaustively interrogated the meaning of this all..because I'm not used to this amount of attention.

Following week after that me and a bunch of close friends went road tripping to East Coast to experience th squid jigging season- to spend time together out on the rolling sea was really nice. In this circle of friends there were several newly married couple, all around the same age and we know each other many years already. During long drives like this we always sang our heart out to whatever song we are in the mood to. In the car there was me and two newlywed couples, this time the songs chosen were all romantic and they sang it wholeheartedly to their partner in each other's embrace throughout the duration of journey. I joined the happy karaoke but inside I feel like just curl up and be a rock, or finding an eject button to be catapulted out from the intense feeling. Never felt such resounding impalation of crippling loneliness to my heart. Helplessly enduring that it's comical. Their happiness and romantic gesture should be applauded, just sucks to be me la wrong place wrong time.

upside

I watched a video from one internet celebrity (figure?) that goes by the name Prince Ea, he's what people call ‘content creators’ these days and for the uninitiated Prince Ea produced motivational and inspirational videos, along that line.

In the video he elaborated some deeper meaning behind a popular nursery rhyme in the Western world- the one that has something to do with rowing boats and sailing and dreams,.

With all due respect to his constructive ways and message which is undisputedly a good thing, tbh my initial reaction was..I got irked. Yes I got annoyed by Prince Ea's such proper presentation with threatrics and gimmicks at play..sometimes I find it more than necessary so it vex me more. It's the same way at first I find MatLufthi annoying when he went philosphically witty in dissecting everyday phenomenon. I don't know- it's that weird thing when you tend to critic people because they show a similar trait with you. Yeah, I somewhat identify with both of them because on too many occasions when I saw videos about their thoughts that made people go nuts I went “hey I thought about that too, what's the big deal?”. They become special and famous for that way of thinking while I'm not, so I might just be green. Props to them nevertheless.

I think there's a similarly more profound meaning as well in one nursery rhyme that's popular in my part of the world.

“Enjit-enjit semut, siapa sakit naik atas.” (bold part translation: When in pain, go up"

I swear I really find this phrase resonating to life on so many levels.
Whenever you feel not like yourself-y, taking some time out to the 'up-side' can replenish and restore wonders. If you catch my drift...

Going up simply means anything that gives you that sweet heightened experience, not necessarily about altitude change.Climbing mountains or sea diving or connecting spiritually or substance/chemical trips or any activities that liberates you from bad feelings.. who knows;knows. It’s more of a state of mind, not limited by mere place. It might as well be someone instead of somewhere, when you spend time with him/her u feel better. A plane where u find solace.


*not The UpsideDown