fader

Back in the university days (one of the names) friends called me...ayah. Lol yass true friends called me ayah, rather odd nickname when we were all at the same young age of early 20s. Why the nickname idk maybe they were referring to some perks I have that they reckon as ‘being fatherly’, or maybe some small leadership role I took then made them see me in a somewhat patriarchial light, or could be I just look like all their fathers (disturbing af if true lol).

Almost a decade later now i’m living my late 20s and still hacking adulthood. At my current workplace I spend time mostly with youngsters I am the older guy now haha. And guess what they call me here- Atok haha. First time I heard it I got serious deja vu. Makes perfect sense tho as I was already ayah before so it fits the timeline I’m upgraded to become Atok now hahah.

Ayah back then, atok now. Interestingly, only girls and ladies call me these. I dont know what to make out of that information haha. I regard this given nicknames as a form of endearment, friendly gesture, acknowledgment towards my identity. Because I realize my strong affinity towards the classics and traditional elements. I enjoy modern new things too, Only that I pick up the certain quality and ambient that older arts and music give and i really like it - simple, fine and pure. I am an old soul I guess. I dig.

At times anxiety comes in and tries to taint all this good faith by whispering bad assumptions- That ‘ayah’ and ‘atok’ are actually proofs of my alienation by people. My ways of thinking and reacting, my character- are completely unrelatable to my friends, they look at me as an odd figure, and they don’t see me as one of them, they cannot get along, and the given nickname symbolizes someone who they put in a different circle, out of theirs. Damnit anxiety shut up. I know that’s not true. Or is it

However I know things like acceptance and bonding is not an entitlement and cannot be forced. I’ll just carry on being me, and pursue betterment.

I may be called atok due to my peculiar taste in things and my opinions, but im not gonna let any passiveness carried by the name be associated with me. I still went to music fest & concerts, travel around experiencing culture & people, a junkie for the outdoor activities...so yeah, I think this atok is finee.. 

And it’s always interesting to see people’s faces when they heard friends call me ayah or atok outloud in the public. The wide-eyed disbelief amused look lol.

if only i can put meme or image here for title

Marie Kondo and the guys from The Minimalist they said something that goes along the line-

 u should only possess/keep things that add value to your life / bringing meaningful sense of joy, other than that discard declutter.

Talking about joy and happiness, the pursuit is ongoing. Living with serious anxiety issues give me a trying time. I mean, this brain is just WILD. I’ve accepted the fact that my brain is wired this way and the troubling throughts aren’t gonna go away, so I try to embrace every one of them with care. Hopefully not gonna let them leave much damage in real life. But they put me under a lot of stress and I read somewhere that stress can be as bad as smoking 22 cigarettes a day, they impact physical health that serious. Well stress-factors really cause the body to change in a certain way. I dont smoke but mentally I’m like just killing it lol.

Also I read somewhere about how we will get sick when we eat foods that’s gone bad, which is a no-brainer lah..makan makanan tak elok ke basi ke, jadi sakit lah. That’s basically the idea of how we will also bound to get sick when we consume bad thoughts. So maybe I’m doing stuffs like exercising regularly and eating well; all this just to offset or mitigate the chaos and battery I self-inflict to my health (mentally) with my anxiety issues. I might develop some stress-induced illness down the road and still die quickly. Unhappiness kills- so people, be happy if u can.

Amidst all this strange lurking feelings of unhappiness and loneliness, I always reflect on my life and count my blessings. One exciting thing is right now I kinda have bit more financial strength after all these years working I can afford the finer things in life. But I’m very afraid if I buy the expensive things that I dreamt about then I realize, I still feel empty. Ah..that's just a total loss.
we are all finding our place or person that we feel we belong.