bday pawst

So what's new?

Coming of age (whattt?), I created Twitter & Insta account. What for idk because still I haven't find the appeal and excitement personally, maybe this is part of the change-influences from people I interact nowadays , things that rub off to me. We'll see whether Twitter & Insta will see any activities as much as here/fb. Sometimes I feel short quirky ideas that I have fit to be expressed on Twitter, stuffs like this:

If I have a free-spirited jovial lady friend that's as adventurous with awesome taste in music and her name is Nani, I'm fosho gonna nickname her SheNanigans. Heck still applicable if she's Nina. COOL SOCMED HANDLER TOO.

Know how before one goes to sleep at night he/she will try to look back what went down for the day? A reflection of some sort, seems like a good practice for mindfulness and to keep memory sharp. I personally try to make that a habit -although many times anxiety gets in way and made reminiscent snowball into a dwelling of past mistakes and replaying regretful actions countless times that's so noisy inside my brain that I’m forced to blurt “Lalala!” out loud just to kill it. But that's another story.

Imagine this bedtime reflections scaled up a bit more, from daily recollections to yearly retrospection. The twist is- Whilst running, memory of one year is reviewed in each 1 km. There you have my birthday ritual run. In an attempt to be more mindful of my journey since early 20s I will start my birthday by running the distance equivalent to my age. Revisiting life events and appreciating the small details that made me- me. A personal ritual that's both challenging and therapeutic. But for 30 onwards I think I'm gonna consider cycling it through la...mental jugak.

Past two weeks witnessed a notable battle with anxiety, surrounded by events that really strike me with duality. On one hand there's a large notion of happiness to it, then followed by an almost immediate aftertaste of crippling loneliness. First there was my birthday on a weekend where I usually keep my schedule more free to spend the day by myself , but blessed I was, friends showed up and took me out filling my day to the brim, with celebrations and cake treats and all. Behind the happiness I exhaustively interrogated the meaning of this all..because I'm not used to this amount of attention.

Following week after that me and a bunch of close friends went road tripping to East Coast to experience th squid jigging season- to spend time together out on the rolling sea was really nice. In this circle of friends there were several newly married couple, all around the same age and we know each other many years already. During long drives like this we always sang our heart out to whatever song we are in the mood to. In the car there was me and two newlywed couples, this time the songs chosen were all romantic and they sang it wholeheartedly to their partner in each other's embrace throughout the duration of journey. I joined the happy karaoke but inside I feel like just curl up and be a rock, or finding an eject button to be catapulted out from the intense feeling. Never felt such resounding impalation of crippling loneliness to my heart. Helplessly enduring that it's comical. Their happiness and romantic gesture should be applauded, just sucks to be me la wrong place wrong time.