I really don’t like night time like this, it brings back bad feelings

Have u ever realize how one can be so unlucky it transcends misery to become funny?

Yeah like how in a comedy (Bean or Chaplin for example) when the actor got into so many unfortunate event the audience finds all that mishaps undergone as amusing and laugh to that. 

Yeah thats me right now. An impressive streak of bad experiences, failed attempts, killed hopes and let downs. Helplessly unhappy and my heart just have to endure the torcher coz what options do i have? At times like this i wish i can cry like normal people coz that might make me feel much better but im cursed with broken emotions so thats another joke on me. Felt like karma slaps like a bitch and laugh at me then slaps some more. 

Im joining the laughing at myself l, the jokes on me. Humor is the only thing that can make bad news tolerable. Shit damn fucking hell i’m sad ahhhhhhhhhh. I hate this but it’s beyond my control so let us just be amazed of how fucked up every thing can be. Hahahaha! Dry sobbing all the way.

Isk isk iskk

gonna take my moment to be sad now, really milking the sorrow. Savoring this pain.
Then put it away & bounce back.

fader

Back in the university days (one of the names) friends called me...ayah. Lol yass true friends called me ayah, rather odd nickname when we were all at the same young age of early 20s. Why the nickname idk maybe they were referring to some perks I have that they reckon as ‘being fatherly’, or maybe some small leadership role I took then made them see me in a somewhat patriarchial light, or could be I just look like all their fathers (disturbing af if true lol).

Almost a decade later now i’m living my late 20s and still hacking adulthood. At my current workplace I spend time mostly with youngsters I am the older guy now haha. And guess what they call me here- Atok haha. First time I heard it I got serious deja vu. Makes perfect sense tho as I was already ayah before so it fits the timeline I’m upgraded to become Atok now hahah.

Ayah back then, atok now. Interestingly, only girls and ladies call me these. I dont know what to make out of that information haha. I regard this given nicknames as a form of endearment, friendly gesture, acknowledgment towards my identity. Because I realize my strong affinity towards the classics and traditional elements. I enjoy modern new things too, Only that I pick up the certain quality and ambient that older arts and music give and i really like it - simple, fine and pure. I am an old soul I guess. I dig.

At times anxiety comes in and tries to taint all this good faith by whispering bad assumptions- That ‘ayah’ and ‘atok’ are actually proofs of my alienation by people. My ways of thinking and reacting, my character- are completely unrelatable to my friends, they look at me as an odd figure, and they don’t see me as one of them, they cannot get along, and the given nickname symbolizes someone who they put in a different circle, out of theirs. Damnit anxiety shut up. I know that’s not true. Or is it

However I know things like acceptance and bonding is not an entitlement and cannot be forced. I’ll just carry on being me, and pursue betterment.

I may be called atok due to my peculiar taste in things and my opinions, but im not gonna let any passiveness carried by the name be associated with me. I still went to music fest & concerts, travel around experiencing culture & people, a junkie for the outdoor activities...so yeah, I think this atok is finee.. 

And it’s always interesting to see people’s faces when they heard friends call me ayah or atok outloud in the public. The wide-eyed disbelief amused look lol.

if only i can put meme or image here for title

Marie Kondo and the guys from The Minimalist they said something that goes along the line-

 u should only possess/keep things that add value to your life / bringing meaningful sense of joy, other than that discard declutter.

Talking about joy and happiness, the pursuit is ongoing. Living with serious anxiety issues give me a trying time. I mean, this brain is just WILD. I’ve accepted the fact that my brain is wired this way and the troubling throughts aren’t gonna go away, so I try to embrace every one of them with care. Hopefully not gonna let them leave much damage in real life. But they put me under a lot of stress and I read somewhere that stress can be as bad as smoking 22 cigarettes a day, they impact physical health that serious. Well stress-factors really cause the body to change in a certain way. I dont smoke but mentally I’m like just killing it lol.

Also I read somewhere about how we will get sick when we eat foods that’s gone bad, which is a no-brainer lah..makan makanan tak elok ke basi ke, jadi sakit lah. That’s basically the idea of how we will also bound to get sick when we consume bad thoughts. So maybe I’m doing stuffs like exercising regularly and eating well; all this just to offset or mitigate the chaos and battery I self-inflict to my health (mentally) with my anxiety issues. I might develop some stress-induced illness down the road and still die quickly. Unhappiness kills- so people, be happy if u can.

Amidst all this strange lurking feelings of unhappiness and loneliness, I always reflect on my life and count my blessings. One exciting thing is right now I kinda have bit more financial strength after all these years working I can afford the finer things in life. But I’m very afraid if I buy the expensive things that I dreamt about then I realize, I still feel empty. Ah..that's just a total loss.
we are all finding our place or person that we feel we belong.

HT

Now entering second half of the year, I'm taking a look back.

I think pretty much have went down, felt some interesting feelings (for all its worth), done some notable things. And made some big decisions.

In the first half of this year I secured the purchase of my 1^st house due completion in 2020. Got some savings-investment portfolios set up. In other words, got into systematic debts lol.

Also finally getting myself sorted out about some laws that I've been breaking for too long (and keep getting away with it lol). 

The challenge now is to try read the future and prepare/equip myself for what I can foresee lies ahead. Need to be wise and responsible, to live within my means.

I regard these moves as big decisions because they are serious commitments, financially speaking. As for the other kind of serious commitments I'm gearing towards that too. I'm not doing these just for myself.

Keeping my shit together, getting my acts right. Next phase of life is starting.

way to go

What is the best way to go?

“The best way to go is by doing what we love”.

I kinda subscribe to that idea for so long. Because “life is so short so might as well milk it for all it's worth”. So whenever I read in the news some bikepacker lost his life in a road accident while cycling around the world, or about an activist who got caught in a cross-fire and died while in a humanity mission volunteering in a war-torn country, or an alpinist died while summiting Everest; I can deal with the news. Yes it's unfortunate, but the deceased were probably passionately living life doing his/her vocation so that's a big consolation kan?  Some might say it's reckless, but the process must have given a lot of joy also I believe a lot of thoughts must have been put through before the road is taken. All the risk assessment, weighing down options, preparatory and precautionary stuffs and what not.

But how about in cases where what we love actually deteriorates our health? Is it a wasteful illusion, a unworthy choice, poorly taken decision? Like substance abuse/addiction, bad eating habit, or even toxic relationships with a lover that seeps away peace of mind?

Some people that I care about have health conditions related to unhealthy choices they made when they were younger. Time and time again I try to suggest corrective measures, persuade them to take action for their own good. But that's the tricky part, changing lifestyle requires godly determination- it's hard. And it's very personal, if I went too close they got mad at me 'nagging'. Yes I want them to be happy, but if their happiness is unhealthy choices- I wonder how far can I dispute.

I'm undecided. On one hand it does feel like it's individual full right to pursue personal happiness but is it really worth compromising something as irreversible as health? Quality of life is subjected to both.

In this world they're gonna be a lot of things other people do that we are not gonna agree with. And we can't do shit to effectively change the course of most of them, other than become stressed out disagreeing. What we can change is ourselves as a functional unit of mankind, and our choices to follow what we identify and agree with. In that sense life is very individualistic, almost selfish.

Storm in the teacup

Just an actual photo of me shaking off dejection and bad thoughts

nzlqrn

Holy Quran 2:185


The month of Ramadhan [is that] in which was revealed the Qur'an, a guidance for the people and clear proofs of guidance and criterion.


Tbh i’m a confused mess & still figuring out this life. Sometimes feels clueless like Jon Snow lel. Scrutinizing practices and often left half convinced with the answers. What more is there beyond what we can perceive? Agnostic at best idk. But i learn that without any sense of direction i’ll be bouncing all over the place,lost, tired, unsettled. Mans need pointers for the peace of mind. This faith is compass that I choose to hold, (try) to believe. 

Quran as a source of reassurement.

Salam nuzul quran 1439h.

bruce-ahalah

“Be like water” said late Bruce Lee. It's the secret of being gentle yet formidable as a force.

if I were to become anything as such, I think it's the good old air teh right now lol. You add sugar and tea powder (not in tea bags) to hot water, stir to golden yellow and you get yourself classic air teh. But it's full of fine bits of tea leaves- without a sieve u need to wait for the tea powder to completely settle at the bottom then only u can enjoy the clear liquid, sir or pour to a cup or whatever.

That kinda reflect the innerworkings of men, or at least yours truly. I can relate in the sense that we can have sound mind with the task at hand, until we find ourselves in an event that stirs our head in the wrong way, bringing unwelcomed emotions that lay quiet back up and cloud our clear conscience. How to teabag these and go unfazed by any stirring is another challenge.

sometimes i get riled up to myself for having these mental hissy fits. I figured out an adult male approaching the coveted 30 ought to have better control of his train of thoughts and I, had to chase em all the time. Let alone to navigate steadily through the tidings of the mind, lel such a confused mess. Altough all battle is contained inside and no stray bullets got away to crack the surface, dialectics is needed so that no beans is spilled- the proof is this very blog, where glimpses of the chaotic episodes got etched in questionably cohesive words. If it’s an attempt to figure things out- then why every post felt like revealing weaknesses? It is quite upsetting

But but but this idea of not spilling beans for the sake of male pride, and being so secretive about personal issues, and not admitting emotional vulnerabilities- it is toxic masculinity isn’t it? 

Tak Shia shia

Yo what’s up!
I was in a bad place mentally for the past couple of months.
Got some personal dilemmas that drained a lot of my chill then followed by Ramadan, possibly the time of the year where i felt the loneliest. Double whammy! Certainly not a pleasant thing to constantly be haunted by disagreement,discontention and feeling the crushing sense of loneliness. Shit is exeptionally hard to pinpoint let alone to shake off. As usual instead of distracting myself away I allow the darkness to consume me whole in order to understand the roots to the problems but everytime i just got swept away by the strange tidings of the mind. And ended up tired of everything.

Then one day while I was hurting in my confusion Shia Labeouf showed up and passionately screamed to me “JUST OWN IT! JUUUST OOWN IIITTT!!” then casually trotted away while stroking his beard like nothing happened.


At that moment I dawned upon me. The mental mess that I’m having right now is due to my undivided resistance to some of my reality. I (maybe too strongly) refuse to accept the polarity between my innate values right now and those of my blood lines for example, and dwelling a lot on my shortcomings. The perfectionist & expressionist part of me was at loggerheads with myself about embracing these less favorable details & criticized ideals about himself, in doing that I failed to see all the good stuffs i actually have and throw away my blessings which i should be very grateful about and appreciate.
Thanks my man Shia I’m gonna own them all.  I’ll try.

It’s Ramadan day 10- Still bored. Bored of waking up alone to phone alarm everyday to sahur alone,bored to settle for any simple edible thing because don’t feel like indulging to delicious food alone. Don't get any of the festivities excitement. Going through everyday motions, emotionless. Whats the point of all this. Koyak koo

OWN IT!!! Okay Shia I hear you

sonder-ish

One can be so unbothered and apathetic towards another, to the point of giving non-existent treatment and won't bat an eyelid for anything. Couldn't care less, just ignore- and leave him/her be.

One can be so deeply concerned and loving towards another to the point of above all worrying, respecting personal space and having faith that they can soldier through adversities. Watching from a distance- and leave him/her be.

How every action might have profound alternative backstory and meaning, never fails to amaze me.

Boohoo+Hnss+zzz

Recently i come to realize a rather new sensation that happens strangely at night time. Breathing becomes deep and heavy like there’s an imaginary paramedic pressing down my chest in desperate effort to resuscitate. But the body feels light, feet feels like floating in slow mo. There’s a moving feeling of warmth around the face area, eyes tend to squint, brows furrow. Possibly a reaction of discomfort, as if invisible gauze or cotton or tissue smothering the face preparing to wipe tears that’s supposed to be there but not. Something is building up, dammed inside. The doors are knocked at both sides. On the surface it appears idle and unassuming, not reflecting the frantic inconsolable mind. Hopelessly restless, but what more is there to do? it’s time to rest. Must be one of the worst feeling, to go to bed sad and sorrowful. Ayy shittake. Unresolved issue, unmet needs; to come to terms with.

sadness always intrigues me more, making me spend much time trying to comprehend & figure it out because i believe sadness tops happiness as a requirement for a good life. When sadness precedes happiness, exactly in that order- there lies the better plot twist of living. If it’s the other way around it sucks more because the ending is a negative. But the cyclic nature of life dictates that both of them will take turns until a definite stoppage time. So yeah.

“I savour hate as much as I craved love because I’m just a twisted guy” quoting Biffy Clyro.

bday pawst

So what's new?

Coming of age (whattt?), I created Twitter & Insta account. What for idk because still I haven't find the appeal and excitement personally, maybe this is part of the change-influences from people I interact nowadays , things that rub off to me. We'll see whether Twitter & Insta will see any activities as much as here/fb. Sometimes I feel short quirky ideas that I have fit to be expressed on Twitter, stuffs like this:

If I have a free-spirited jovial lady friend that's as adventurous with awesome taste in music and her name is Nani, I'm fosho gonna nickname her SheNanigans. Heck still applicable if she's Nina. COOL SOCMED HANDLER TOO.

Know how before one goes to sleep at night he/she will try to look back what went down for the day? A reflection of some sort, seems like a good practice for mindfulness and to keep memory sharp. I personally try to make that a habit -although many times anxiety gets in way and made reminiscent snowball into a dwelling of past mistakes and replaying regretful actions countless times that's so noisy inside my brain that I’m forced to blurt “Lalala!” out loud just to kill it. But that's another story.

Imagine this bedtime reflections scaled up a bit more, from daily recollections to yearly retrospection. The twist is- Whilst running, memory of one year is reviewed in each 1 km. There you have my birthday ritual run. In an attempt to be more mindful of my journey since early 20s I will start my birthday by running the distance equivalent to my age. Revisiting life events and appreciating the small details that made me- me. A personal ritual that's both challenging and therapeutic. But for 30 onwards I think I'm gonna consider cycling it through la...mental jugak.

Past two weeks witnessed a notable battle with anxiety, surrounded by events that really strike me with duality. On one hand there's a large notion of happiness to it, then followed by an almost immediate aftertaste of crippling loneliness. First there was my birthday on a weekend where I usually keep my schedule more free to spend the day by myself , but blessed I was, friends showed up and took me out filling my day to the brim, with celebrations and cake treats and all. Behind the happiness I exhaustively interrogated the meaning of this all..because I'm not used to this amount of attention.

Following week after that me and a bunch of close friends went road tripping to East Coast to experience th squid jigging season- to spend time together out on the rolling sea was really nice. In this circle of friends there were several newly married couple, all around the same age and we know each other many years already. During long drives like this we always sang our heart out to whatever song we are in the mood to. In the car there was me and two newlywed couples, this time the songs chosen were all romantic and they sang it wholeheartedly to their partner in each other's embrace throughout the duration of journey. I joined the happy karaoke but inside I feel like just curl up and be a rock, or finding an eject button to be catapulted out from the intense feeling. Never felt such resounding impalation of crippling loneliness to my heart. Helplessly enduring that it's comical. Their happiness and romantic gesture should be applauded, just sucks to be me la wrong place wrong time.

upside

I watched a video from one internet celebrity (figure?) that goes by the name Prince Ea, he's what people call ‘content creators’ these days and for the uninitiated Prince Ea produced motivational and inspirational videos, along that line.

In the video he elaborated some deeper meaning behind a popular nursery rhyme in the Western world- the one that has something to do with rowing boats and sailing and dreams,.

With all due respect to his constructive ways and message which is undisputedly a good thing, tbh my initial reaction was..I got irked. Yes I got annoyed by Prince Ea's such proper presentation with threatrics and gimmicks at play..sometimes I find it more than necessary so it vex me more. It's the same way at first I find MatLufthi annoying when he went philosphically witty in dissecting everyday phenomenon. I don't know- it's that weird thing when you tend to critic people because they show a similar trait with you. Yeah, I somewhat identify with both of them because on too many occasions when I saw videos about their thoughts that made people go nuts I went “hey I thought about that too, what's the big deal?”. They become special and famous for that way of thinking while I'm not, so I might just be green. Props to them nevertheless.

I think there's a similarly more profound meaning as well in one nursery rhyme that's popular in my part of the world.

“Enjit-enjit semut, siapa sakit naik atas.” (bold part translation: When in pain, go up"

I swear I really find this phrase resonating to life on so many levels.
Whenever you feel not like yourself-y, taking some time out to the 'up-side' can replenish and restore wonders. If you catch my drift...

Going up simply means anything that gives you that sweet heightened experience, not necessarily about altitude change.Climbing mountains or sea diving or connecting spiritually or substance/chemical trips or any activities that liberates you from bad feelings.. who knows;knows. It’s more of a state of mind, not limited by mere place. It might as well be someone instead of somewhere, when you spend time with him/her u feel better. A plane where u find solace.


*not The UpsideDown

randomproteins

When watching movies or TV series have you ever wondered the age of the characters? because I'm curious liddat and got very bothered with the lack of information addressing the matter. Some characters say Jack Peralta or Barney Stinson or Rory Gilmore did got assigned their fictional age, but a lot of characters in drama does not have one. Like in Friends. it was hinted that Ross,Joey,Chandler, Monica, Phoebe,Rachel were all supposedly living as 20-somethings in NYC - but twenty what exactly? Why I need to know? Well I think that's important in storytelling for realistic reasons but also I'm interested to draw comparison between my life experiences & accomplishments at given point of time with the 'life' narration of these characters'. Recently I watched Blood Diamond (for the umpteenth time) starred by Leonardo Dicaprio as Danny Archer, an orphan taken in by military contractors and molded to become some cunning mercenary then turned solo arms dealer cum diamonds smuggler profiting from conflicts in war-torn countries, just all round badass,and Danny Archer was 31 in the story. So I went “Damn son 31 and have gone through that shit tonne of badassery, such an eventful life. Mine looks dead pale in comparison. ”

******

Food is part of cultural experience in the sense that flavors, as much as sights and sounds speak volumes about the nuances of local ways, hence it makes perfect sense for one to sample traditional delicacies when visiting new places. Simplistic example are like how Japanese delicate yet perfectionist mannerism is reflected in its execution of dishes with mild and subtle flavors, how expressive and colorful Indian culture is a personification of their punchy spices and flavorsome cuisine, and how middle eastern penchant for festivities are depicted by generous servings of food. So I was struck by a thought; What will the new food culture that consumerism force onto us today says about us in hindsight? I'm disturbed by the emerging trend which glorify oversized dessert like milkshake in a giant mug (it's a jug!) topped with cream plus sugary treats, laden with syrup, with a finishing touch that looks like someone just spilled bucketload of sugary stuff on them. “Oh, this looks like a perfectly reasonable portion according to the RDI and food pyramid yums!” said no one ever. I struggled to see the appeal in downing that much of sweetness, but maybe the hook lies partly is in the looks- instagram generation love a food that looks nice on the gram regardless of the actual taste.Many more kinds of sweet servings with 'extra' presentations as gimmick now flood the market, becoming viral via socmeds, encouraging people to indulge themselves without in considering health implictions most importantly. Gimik, gi mam.

******

The other day while I was having my lunch at nearby restaurant, I notice from a distance a makcik jual tisu (or something) approaching. I am not a supporter of this practice- questionable people free to roam asking for donation; so usually I politely decline or flee the scene (to the loo) to avoid any contact at all. But as I'm preparing to face the situation, I notice there's a little kid sitting at the table next to mine with his family, whose eyes appeared to be fixated to that makcik as she went from table to table and got turned down. When the makcik arrived at the little kid's table and asked his family for some donation in exchange for a packet of tisuue, his family declined as well and the looks in the kid's as he stared at the makcik then glanced at his father then back to the makcik..his face is just..i cannot. He's seen too many disappointments already, at such tender age what he saw will shape his perception to this world. So when the makcik came to my table after that, I gave the makcik some donation to show the kid something different for a change (I make sure the kid saw that, which he did lol). For fear that the kid will lose his faith in humanity lose compassion and turned coldhearted, or possibly psychopathic serial killer who just like to see the world burn, I was pressured to donate to offer some example. What a strange kind of peer pressure. Who's peers with who anyways? Duhhh

******

Imma sucker at fulfilling invitation, wedding invitations especially because it's the kind of event that gave me the sense of crippling loneliness afterwards. I'm conflicted though, between the host's anticipation for me to show up which potentially makes them happy, and my peace of mind, also the fear that if I were to get married no one's gonna spare their time to come down. Most of the time I don't attend the invitations, but now I think i've learnt a better appreciation to the concept of love as a pure and realest human experience. Love should be celebrated above all qualms. Hence I outdid myself this year, already attending more weddings that my total tally for last year. Like Beatles have said, Love is all we need.

Layl

I watched ‘Our Souls at Night’ on Netflix recently and was really taken into the movie. I think the central premise is lovely, a story about two elderly neighbors whom were widowed and living their lonesome life day in day out, almost numbed by the lack of any form of excitation whatsoever, then trying to find emotional refuge in each other then rediscovered love again late in their life (though it’s never too late for love). A beautiful story about an elderly couple, reconnecting to life to enjoy what it still has to offer, and not dying before time is due. A refreshing take from typical lovestory of young hearts. I like how intimacy was portrayed from an elderly soulmates perspective

“Nighttime are the worst” was one of the dialogue uttered early on in the movie and it’s my favorite line. When all work is done, daytime errands finished and other chores ended, and everyone dismissed back to their respective life, what remains if one are alone is a daunting reality, a silent torcher to the soul. The absence of another soul render our own somewhat soul-less, having no partner to talk to, nothing remotely social takes place, it’s a stagnant space devoid of existence, a vacuous emptiness that can feel like eternity until the sun came. Night time feels forever, getting through it will be painful and to sleep is the only way to make it bearable.

Lonely nights are indeed the worst. Hang in there, souls. Brave on.

random access memory

I went on to see one of my fav band played a special farewell show for one of its members thats going to depart from the quartet, to pursue other life directions. I was bummed by that but I guess some things in life just cannot coexist, tough decisions gotta be made. But theres always hope in future. Anyway in their last time together they really put up hell of a display, really gave their all. During the final song, they really put so much heart into it that the vibe can be felt in the room- while smashing every notes flawlessly and submitting themselves to the sound to become somewhat beasts with instruments that night, i can see tears rolling down their cheek.
***

While I was in Ipoh and wandering aimlessly along Memory lane, my attention was caught by a street musician playing flute. The setup was simple, just the guy standing very still, albeit it was night time he wore black glasses and with his flute filling the air the smooth sweet tune of melancholy. Yes, the tune was beautiful but it touches my heart in a gloomy way. I was fixated right there to the experience like how the guy seemed to be very absorbed in his tune. Because behind his shades I noticed his furrowed brow and possibly squinting eyes. Then after the piece ended and he thanked the passers by, his voice cracked, sobbed.
***

I always believe music (or any forms of art) is an expression of ideas and feelings. But these two personal accounts reminded me how true this is. Creativity might actually be most similar to an innate thing like emotions that it is to a competency/skill. These artists who are not afraid to show their emotional vulnerability through their songs made the best art. This all make me reflect myself, how can I call myself a creative person like some often refer me to, if im lacking in the emotion manifestation part?
***

In Ipoh i also went to Yasmin@KongHeng, a simple but special space dedicated to the memory of late Yasmin Ahmad. I  had my fascination over some of her works that I know about but only after she passed away did I really began to learn to appreciate all the things she worked on. My room mate during college years, Zairil was a massive fan of her so thats my earliest exposure. In this ‘museum’  a collection of Yasmin’s memorabilia and some of her works on screen was showcased. An old Macintosh (allegedly was the ones of Yasmin) sat on a corner table with headphones, people can play audio files of Yasmin reading her poems. Which i did, and some things that Yasmin spoke to me, really hit home in a way thats hard to describe. One of it was about how can one begin to muster so much hatred and repulsion to someone he/she barely understand, if its not for the fact the it’s because the strengh of love.
***

i really dig into math rock genre right now. To me, this is how good ideas sounds like. The odd time signatures caught my brain off guard and send it to a playtime full of riddling tunes, scrambling  and catching up with the instrumental brilliance. Math rock shows that instruments can speak and deliver some juice that vocals cant carry.
***

I started to have the idea that adulthood is the courage to delve into an almost-certain financial traps of loan claws and commitments, and easing your life into it, designing your life around it, gaining some pretty interesting things while losing a lot too. But yeah, what other ways do commoners have besides joining the game and play it as wise as possible? With hardwork and the will to do whatever it takes to get whats desired, one might get the break to an exceptional success. Or, become a radical to forge a less popular path if you are happy and can be responsible with your actions. Adulthood is to become responsible.
***

Good things will happen in near future.

A(d)lt

There's this one cool short video on adulthood I saw recently which send ripples of thoughts thats hard to shake off. I guess the question 'How to Adult' has always been in the back of my head since entering the phase nearly decade ago. I try to watch and learn the way them more senior adults around me and also how my peers pave their way into manhood and attempts to design their adult life. But idk, sometimes we wonder if what people are doing is a right fit for us.

In said video the tenet is this- being adult is about taking control of your life, and living to your full potential. Managing things like finances, relationships, self-image and self-worth etcetera while constantly pursue to better them as life unfolds. Owning stuffs, able to do certain set of things, reliable/dependable, got his/her shit together to get him/herself right to take care of self and beyond. Basically that. If I were to reflect these ideas to personal life right now of course I have things to feel proud of as well as sorry about, man got loose ends here and there. I can think of a number of ways things might have become better. But no dwellers.

I do accept that there's a somewhat cardinal rule, or a framework on how a man ought to be, dependent,able, responsible. Like the core idea the aforementioned video elaborates- I agree on that. But I have mixed thought still about some stuffs that's basically consumerism-centered, I feel it reeks conformity. I remember Jim Carrey spoke about 'the relative' and 'the absolute' when we try to discuss the howtos of anything. The former is when you have someone/something that you refer to and the latter is the truth. Now, the popular notion of correct adult life- is it drawn from herd mentality, or is it actually the absolute truth?

In a totally unrelated development, I really love Yuna and Adam solemnization ceremony. Open garden setup and the misty mountain ranges at the background.. giving me dreams and ideas. But fresh flowers are damn expensive, I might be tempted to pick up gardening and grow them by my own just in time lol.

STGOOMS

Im having some of the strangest dreams lately, i think it’s because of the chilly weather sweeping across the country right now. Usually i don’t remember my dreams much (if any at all) but the ones these time around i was pretty lucid. Weird ass mind play. Wonder what comes up next.

Im experiencing a potential loss of function. I have this special role in personal life that i really appreciate but right now i think theres interest from other party for that & some more invasive tricks applied & now i think im somewhat got displaced because of my more peaceful calm approach. Im contemplating a move to regain (or re earn) the particular position, but truthfully whats most important to me is for the role to be served well & address and solve the problem- whether it’s me or anyone else doing it, thats secondary. Best man wins.

Another sticky situation arise at work but im okay not overwhelmed no more. By now im used to them and already accepted the fact that each are learning grounds for everyone. It’s not easy to maintain order and harmony in a group of people so glitches should be expected but with every differently delicate case, theres a different approach to address them. I kinda like the process, often i mentally narrate whats happening before my eyes like the voice in documentary to obtain deeper grasp in these souls point of view. Lol

Sometimes i feel like i like some pretty faces i regularly see. To make certain of that i interrogate my feelings by switching the environment. When i went to my other environment where i mingle and spend time with some other beautiful ladies, turned out for a while i forgot about the crush. Then i know that the feelings is not worth pursuing, merely a sensation due to fixation. Because ive experienced real love before and i still remember how it tastes like, u cannot shake off the wonderful thought of her even for a moment. Ah, to be fixated to a person, an idea, anything is often a bad idea because u r like a stagnant pool of water, and emotion flow can be misleading in such situation. It’s only wise to fix your life onto something after u have expanded the depth n breadth of options n coming to a decision.

What an exciting time right now. Figuring out life and what to make out of this limited time. Future investment, financial planning, personal passion and happiness, security & stability, fluidity & freedom, lalalala

Git gud people

Pesen

I sincerely believe that fashion can be an outlet of self expression. What one chooses to wear can represent so much more than what meets the eye- an ideology, a movement, a culture etc.

But i think in that sense fashion, particularly the trends that fuel consumerism- is a ‘make or break’ ordeal. To successfully pull a look, one gotta go all in with what’s required. All the components eg top & bottom wear, and perhaps accessories too need to go along. If you mismatch or only go partial, it’s gonna look strange.

And the central utmost important component above all garments & pieces, is the substance of the wearer. Because self expression thru fashion means that outfits become an extension of what’s inside. So eventough one managed to nail it for what to wear, attitude  cannot lie so everything still can look misplaced, confusing. Macam bila penyanyi lagu jiwang leleh tapi dress up rockstar, orang bimbo tapi dress up sofistikated, orang berumur tapi dressup kurang sesuai dengan usia, dll. 

Theres no simple formula. Rule of thumb, to dress comfortably & practically. Dont be what u are not (anymore), pretentious bastard. Or, fuck it. Just dress whatever way u want and really own it, be responsible for your action though.

Why im writing about fashion when im not the most fashionable being per se? Idk im just exploring the thought i have while in the midst of spring cleaning & renewing my wardrobe kahkahhhh. 

Orang kata kalau dah elok, pakai apa pon nampak elok. Kalau muka koyak badan tak cantik, pakailah perfect macam mana nampak pelik. Orang kata lah.

remember me

For many years I’ve been pursuing a simple idea of living- Just carry on with your plan even without the company of anyone else. It’s not like I despise group activities, I love spending time with friends. But I love doing justice to myself by expressing its original thought and vision too. Not to mention we all like it a little different, just like how I sometimes have my own likings and preferences in experiencing things. From finding food to enjoying movies to going to gigs/concerts to travelling the world and etcetera, a special switch got flipped when u follow just yourself. I had a lot of noteworthy stories great moments epic adventures from all solo trips. They're deeply intimate, thoughtfully personal, sometimes sentimental even. Maybe that’s why I kept it all so close to me, I don’t publicly share accounts or photos of these memories on social medias because of a complex perception on socmeds that I have (not going to elaborate). So all these meaningful memories is only limited to my knowledge. It’s life experience.

But I watched the movie COCO three times, mind you. That’s how much I liked the animation. Apart from the musical treat and lovely theme that hook me in, I was struck by an idea that was central in the storytelling. It’s about the concept of existing- one is perceived as real and exists when he/she is remembered by others. And the action of remembering, is of course capitalizes on some memories of time spent together. If people around you don’t have any recollections or experience with you in their life that they can remember, that really kinda make you less-exist in the plane of perception isn’t it? You don’t leave any impact on others, or any mark on this world. When you disappear, you really disappear because no one got much to recall anyways. I kinda think that make sense somehow.

So after coco, I renewed my outlook on life to spend more time doing stuffs with friends. And I did several major group-intense activities already in a short period of time, I think its impressive lol. But life things happen that’s gonna make even more friends unavailable to hang out as much anymore (getting hitched). So either I need to add more new friends, or settling down myself, or maybe just both? Either way- Let’s go.