fader

Back in the university days (one of the names) friends called me...ayah. Lol yass true friends called me ayah, rather odd nickname when we were all at the same young age of early 20s. Why the nickname idk maybe they were referring to some perks I have that they reckon as ‘being fatherly’, or maybe some small leadership role I took then made them see me in a somewhat patriarchial light, or could be I just look like all their fathers (disturbing af if true lol).

Almost a decade later now i’m living my late 20s and still hacking adulthood. At my current workplace I spend time mostly with youngsters I am the older guy now haha. And guess what they call me here- Atok haha. First time I heard it I got serious deja vu. Makes perfect sense tho as I was already ayah before so it fits the timeline I’m upgraded to become Atok now hahah.

Ayah back then, atok now. Interestingly, only girls and ladies call me these. I dont know what to make out of that information haha. I regard this given nicknames as a form of endearment, friendly gesture, acknowledgment towards my identity. Because I realize my strong affinity towards the classics and traditional elements. I enjoy modern new things too, Only that I pick up the certain quality and ambient that older arts and music give and i really like it - simple, fine and pure. I am an old soul I guess. I dig.

At times anxiety comes in and tries to taint all this good faith by whispering bad assumptions- That ‘ayah’ and ‘atok’ are actually proofs of my alienation by people. My ways of thinking and reacting, my character- are completely unrelatable to my friends, they look at me as an odd figure, and they don’t see me as one of them, they cannot get along, and the given nickname symbolizes someone who they put in a different circle, out of theirs. Damnit anxiety shut up. I know that’s not true. Or is it

However I know things like acceptance and bonding is not an entitlement and cannot be forced. I’ll just carry on being me, and pursue betterment.

I may be called atok due to my peculiar taste in things and my opinions, but im not gonna let any passiveness carried by the name be associated with me. I still went to music fest & concerts, travel around experiencing culture & people, a junkie for the outdoor activities...so yeah, I think this atok is finee.. 

And it’s always interesting to see people’s faces when they heard friends call me ayah or atok outloud in the public. The wide-eyed disbelief amused look lol.