washing machine

Baru-baru ni aku turun cekidaut RTW kat Bukit Jalil. Sambil support semua lineup, motivation utama datang sebab nak tengok Emmett I main kat stage besar. Aku ingat masa tengok diorang main minishow The Garage haritu memang terangkat crowd, good times. Bukan sedikit nostalgia & romantisisma yang mengelilingi Emmett ni (grunge, ex-Butterfingers, zaman emas scene musik Malaysia etc.) so bila tengok dia comeback dengan band baru memang anticipation is high. Tapi bila Emmett take the stage & main lagu diorang depan crowd RTW, crowd macam blur2. Tak boleh nak singalong, barely moving. Cuma sekelompok crowd kat tengah yang nampak betul feel the music, ni grungeheads & dia hards dari zaman Butter semua. Emmett siap mintak crowd please simpan phone & enjoy the moment. Bila Emmett main lagu lama Butterfingers, baru crowd hidup. Aku tak kenal Emmett personally so aku tak tahu cara dia fikir, tapi aku selalu rasa Emmett ni seniman yang eloquent, ada substance & articulate ia melalui karyanya. So bila dia nak express diri dengan bunyi baru tapi orang masih strictly appreciate dia dengan bunyi lama, it must have hurt a bit. Loque pun kena macam tu. Lumrah yang pahit.

tête-à-tête

Oddly enough my life has very dramatic these time around. Difficult to mentally chill. It’s a very strange place.

So over the long weekend I’ve reached a consensus to start being less sentimental and emotional, and instead just focus on the aspects that I reckon can bring real change in life (I call them the determinants). This is because I realize I tend to slip into the life dramas of the people around me when it comes to my knowledge. It’s a bouncy vicious cycle. I invested a lot of mental energy thinking about their tribulations, often there’s nothing I can do to effectively help so I ended tired and confused just from contemplating to great length. I should really hear myself because in hindsight that’s a ridiculous way to get yourself  all worked up hahahaha.

And right on following day coming back from the holiday, what’s the first thing I did in the morning? A 7 hours tête-à-tête with a friend, I was taken into a pretty deep dive and I’m not sure I have resurfaced out of the moment yet. No regrets. Only that now I need to deal with this damn withdrawal  lol.

sorry skeletor i tried

Isn’t it just amazing how quick you can contradict yourself lol.

crack.

When you know, you know.

some stories to get out of my system

Whenever i feel fucked up by life i swear almost immediately i can hear David Attenborough’s voice in the background, narrating my thought process & elaborating how i behave through the shitty happenings. Then i don’t feel as miserable anymore & quickly snap out of it

A friend of mine recently speaks out how she felt ‘childish’ and ‘immature’ after she went someplace where she sees all other ladies dressed up like proper career woman while she did not. Fine ladies in fine work attire, #makeupgame strong, heels,skirts, coats & what nots- u get the picture. I always think women just love to dress up & will find any excuse to do so- pergi kenduri kahwin or beraya are two popular excuses. Nothing bad with that, to look good can empower oneself & also spread positive vibes. But i feel like telling her that maturity is a state of mind, it always is. It’s never mere outfits or anything you put on (or off). Good looks is a hollow shell without substance. 

Have been dodging them agents all these while because reasons, but now protection seems like a good idea so i fiiiiiinally got myself insured. I’m yet to understand the full policy but did it anyway because (1) financially literate people are all doing it must be right? (2) i trust my agent who’s also my friend. Only qualms i have is about how insurance companies doesn’t regard mental health as a health condition like everything else. I strongly think this needs to change.

I haven’t yet make those big personal decisions in life I think- things where i bet againts massive odds like when choosing life partner or when buying a house. but i can say I already have my biggest regret. I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that someone’s life has ended, due to health complications from a decision made, one which i may or may not have played a role, regardless how small- in shaping. I shatters me to see how the loss affected her loved ones. I can’t even begin to describe how i too share the sorrow, and how guilty i feel. Guilt & remorse- gonna haunts me forever. I am truly sorry...

slip

Rumah aku tak jauh dari airport. Sampai orang sekitar sini kalau nak pergi shopping lebih dekat pergi airport banding pergi KL. Ada MPO, dan KLIA2 pun almost sebijik mall. So yeah dekat macam tu. So pemandangan angkasaraya aku pon kapal terbang lalu lalang setiap masa. And I wonder, betapa banyaknya cerita-cerita

Aku jadi frequent visitor airport. Dulu sebagai traveller yang nak naik flight, sekarang lebih kepada recreational sebab aku suka feeling yang airport bagi. Suka tengok orang-orang yang ada, setiap satu ada cerita. Dari riak wajah & penampilan mereka macam-macam kemungkinan. Kemana mereka nak tuju? Dari mana mereka pulang? Apa erti trip ni kepada mereka? Perasaan mereka sekarang macam mana? Terfikir benda-benda yang buat aku teruja sama.
Samalah bila naik di rooftop bangunan tempat aku bekerja yang berdepanan dengan kondominium & apartmen. Dari atas bila tengok kebawah nampak kecik2 kenderaan di jalanraya. Bila pandang depan nampak kecik2 balkoni dengan sliding glass door memenuhi dinding konkrit. Setiap satunya ada manusia didalam, sedang menjalani jalur kehidupan masing-masing. Apa cerita diorang? Adakah semua okay?

 
Baru-baru ni aku pergi hospital untuk comfort kawan yang family membernya sakit. Bila kat hospital lain pulak vibe yang aku pickup, aku agak terkesan dengan sebegitu banyak emosi & cerita sedih yang aku dapat ‘baca’ diwajah orang-orang yang aku jumpa. Dapat rasa tempias kesedihan, risau, susah hati ahli keluarga dan pelawat yang datang menziarah disetiap katil dalam wad. Muka-muka happy ada nampak di wad bersalin.

What’s the point of writing this luahan? Aku tak pasti. Tak tahulah ini blessing atau curse, tapi aku mudah slip kedalam emosi orang sekeliling & ambik ia seolah macam situasi aku sendiri. Terutamanya benda-benda sedih. Tak best sebenarnya sebab penat jiwa aku nak handle, tapi dah nak buat macam mana.

Bila tengok orang aku tertanya apa yang bermain difikirannya? Apa kisah yang dibawa?

ouchie

Each one of us, every now and then, might get irritated by others just as much as how we might irritate people around us- It’s a common occurrence. How we dealt with it differentiates us. I am guilty as charged so personally I try my best to accommodate the perks & whims I encounter regardless how they challenge my balance because “who TF I think I am to be so judgemental?”. But it’s tough because I tend to get very critical in the early moments after a friction- I’m afraid I might say something hurtful. 

So my maneuver is to just to keep it to myself all hateful things I think I want to say for further two-way monologues because I usually will reach more reasonable consensus much much later after the dialectics.  Like Jules said “All the hateful things you think you want to say, time will turn them into jokes”. It’s so true in retrospect, if you managed to stay calm you’ll laugh off at your immature thought process. If you failed to control it, then the joke’s on you.

But today I got irritated by my colleague’s action and now I kinda regret how I went to react. Actually I’m not sure whether what I’m feeling is regret because I value highly my emotions too (not gonna be easily apologetic over it) but it’s a qualm for sure that bothers me a bit. I didn’t snap per se but I did blurted some hostile retort and express my disagreement…not much but enough to startle them to an ensuing silence. I don’t like it because I want to be a calm & collected man. Need to keep my shit together better next time.

Simple, anything that challenge my balance I am gonna just steer clear. I feel like I won’t be a good person to talk to so I’d stay away to avoid saying hurtful stuffs. Plus not gonna stick with things that’s toxic (to me) that’ll make me feel miserable.

"But in the face of life adversities, will you flee or will you learn to co-exist?"

"But isn't avoidance is also one of legit maneuver to cope?"

Damnit you voices.

sedar diri sedar ruang

Mami (choreographer) selalu pesan ayat ni  kat aku & kawan2 masa menari bawah tunjuk ajar dia time study dulu2. Throughout semua steps memang penting alert positioning diri dengan rakan2 kalau tak memang nampak sumbang, floor pattern yang rancang tak menjadi, silap-silap berlaga satu sama lain.  Dah banyak tahun berlalu sejak zaman tu, tapi this must be one of the most profound advice in my life. Time and time again aku adopt quote ni apply kat higher level hidup. Senada dengan refleksi diri & muhasabah. Cuba jadikan one of life pillars.

Terutamanya untuk protect dari disappointment. I learn to debate myself over any prospects just to stretch persepsi terhadap situasi, proses untuk sedar diri dan sedar ruang sebenarnya macam mana, then recalibrate expectation sewajarnya. Sebab mismatch antara expectation dengan situasi jadi kat realiti ni boleh kata root of all disappointment. Tak best kecewa, tapi kalau kena kecewa jugak at least dah try fikir panjang bukan syok sendiri. Jangan rasa entitled sangat.

Cuma kadang-kadang bila scrutinize idea untuk produce realistic expectation ni, rasa macam ketepikan elemen harapan dalam situasi pun ada. Sedangkan ‘hope’ ni sumber kekuatan yang maha-power bilamana semua odds tak berpihak kepada kita. Lihat sajalah macam mana rakyat Palestina yang oppressed tetap solid dengan resistance mereka tahun demi tahun berdepan regim zionis & sekutunya yang lagi canggih serba serbi. Sebab mereka percaya dan berpegang pada ‘hope’ satu hari bumi yang dirampas pasti kembali kepada mereka. Lawan teruss.

Expectation kena realistic, tapi kena percaya ada harapan juga. Ah, to strike the balance.